


You Make Me Lovely

by highly_caffeinated



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Developing Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sirius Black, Lily and James are matchmakers, M/M, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, remus is a sass master, sirius is dramatic as usual, there's a lot of angst but it has a happy ending I promise, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2019-05-16 23:39:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 31,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14821097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highly_caffeinated/pseuds/highly_caffeinated
Summary: Sirius Black was not good at relationships. He never was. Maybe it was due to the fact that his parents never loved him. Or that he had never felt cared for by another person until he met his four best mates when he was eleven. Whatever the reason, Sirius Black was absolutely clueless when it came to relationships that lasted more than a few days."I can't like him, James! What if I do something and screw it all up? Then he'll hate me!""Pads, I think you're ridiculously underestimating how much Remus cares about you."





	1. Aesthetics

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of the characters from the Harry Potter series. They all belong to the beautiful JK Rowling . I only own the plot I create and any original characters that may appear

Sirius Black

Astrophile: (n) a person who loves stars

Nefelibata: one who lives in the clouds of their own imagination; an unconventional person

Pisantrophobia: (n) the fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad

Atelophobia: the fear of imperfection or not being good enough

Ancheronta movebo: I will raise hell

 “We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

~E.E. Cummings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Remus Lupin

Pluviophile: (n) a person who loves/takes comfort from rain

Orenda: (n) a mystical force present in all people that empowers them to affect the world, or to effect change in their own lives

Kainotophobia: fear of changes

Atychiphobia: fear of failure; fear of not being good enough

Pulvis et umbra sumus: we are but dust and shadows

“Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up.”

 ~Stephen Hawking

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James Potter

Photophile: (n) a person who loves light

Eudaimonia: (n) “human flourishing”; a contented state of being happy and healthy and prosperous

Thantophobia: the fear of losing someone you love

Athazagoraphobia: the fear of forgetting, being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced

Amor verus numquam moritur: true love never dies

“He said, ‘One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can.’”

~Frederick Buechner

 


	2. Breathless

Sirius Black was not good at relationships. He never was. Maybe it was due to the fact that his parents never loved him. Or that he had never felt cared for by another person until he met his four best mates when he was eleven. Whatever the reason, Sirius Black was absolutely clueless when it came to relationships that lasted more than a few days.

“I honestly don’t know why you’re freaking out. It’s not like you’ve never seen him before.” James Potter was sat on the living room sofa, watching his friend pace around the room. In the seven years that they had been friends, James had only ever seen Sirius this nervous one other time.

“Um, James, do you not remember what happened the night before Remus left for his trip to France?” Sirius finally stopped pacing long enough to look at James, the worry evident on his face.

“That was six weeks ago, Pads. Do you really think Moony remembers what happened?”

“I literally walked up to him and kissed him, Prongs. How could he forget it?”

“I thought Dorcas said that you were both drunk?" 

“So?” Sirius glared at his friend, not understanding how he could be so calm when it was obviously the end of the world.

“So…you always do stupid stuff when you’re drunk. Honestly, Sirius. Have you ever met yourself?” This came from Dorcas, who had just appeared from the kitchen, Marlene on her heels. Hearing this, Sirius grabbed one of the pillows from the sofa and covered his face with it, letting out a muffled groan. Dorcas rolled her eyes at Sirius’ dramatics before turning her gaze to James. “And why aren’t the two of you helping? It was your idea to throw this welcome back party for Remus, yet you haven’t done anything!”

“For your information, I actually have helped. I gave Lily the money for the cake and let her take my car to go pick it up.”

“And what about Sirius?”

“He’s keeping the sofa warm.”

“Wow, I never knew how useful you both are,” Marlene scoffed, sarcasm evident in her voice. “Why don’t you guys go and make sure the backyard is set up?” When neither of them made any move to get up, Dorcas grabbed one of the pillows and hit James with it.

“Come on, James! You and Sirius need to help us get ready. The party is at 7.”

At this, Sirius finally lifted his head from the sofa. “And what time is it now?”

“Almost 6.” Right as James said this, Lily walked through the front door, cake in hand.

“Lily, will you please tell your boyfriend to get up and help?” Dorcas groaned, looking to the redhead for help. Everyone knew that Lily had James wrapped around her finger, and if anyone would be able to get him to do something, it would be her.

“James, stop being so lazy and help Dorcas and Marlene set up.” When James made no move to get up, she sent him a warning glare. “I mean it James. You get up off that sofa and help, or I won’t go out with you for a month.” Sirius snorted, which caused the girl to turn her glare to him. “You too, Sirius. Get up and help.”

Knowing that they wouldn’t get out of it, they both pulled themselves off of the sofa and began to make their way to the backyard. As soon as they were out of earshot, Sirius leaned in, whispering “She’s got you whipped, mate.” James whacked his friend on the back of the head, frowning. 

“Sod off, Pads. You know you’re the same way with Moony.” As soon as James said this, Sirius stopped walking, prompting his friend to turn around, a confused look on his face.

“What do you mean, ‘I’m the same way with Moony’?” Sirius was now full-on glaring at James, and he realized that he had struck a nerve with his friend.

“I’m just saying…If Remus were to ask you to do something, you would do it without a second thought.” Sirius was glad that they were now busy setting the backyard up for the party, as it kept James from seeing how red his face had become. He knew that what James said was right, but he didn’t want to admit to that. Not when he was almost positive that Remus didn’t feel the way. No. He wouldn’t let himself get his hopes up. He couldn’t compare this to what James and Lily had. He would only end up getting hurt if he got that confident. Before he had the chance to make himself more anxious with his overthinking, he saw Lily open the door and peer outside.

“I’m gonna go get Remus from the airport. I told Marlene that I would text her when are leaving the airport and when we’re almost back here.” James gave her a thumbs up and she went to go back inside. She was just about to close the door behind her, when she quickly pulled it back open. “And Sirius, calm down. It’s just Remus. You’ll be fine.” And with that, she went inside. Sirius’ eyes widened and his face blanched as he turned to his friend.

“Even Evans knows about what happened?” Sirius began pacing, gripping his hair and tugging at it. James quickly grabbed his friend’s arms, pulling then away from his head and forcing then down to his sides.

“Pads, it’s okay. Lily won’t mention it to Moony.” Despite the fact that his friend was obviously not put at ease by his statement, James didn’t bother continuing. He knew that if Sirius was freaking out about something, nothing would be able to take the anxiety away. “Come on, let’s finish setting up the backyard.” And with that, the friends went back to their work.

After what seemed like only a few minutes (but was actually close to an hour), Marlene came out to warn the boys that Lily and Remus were five minutes away and that they needed to get inside. James made his way into the living room, Sirius dragging himself behind him. The lights were quickly turned off as Dorcas shouted at everyone to “Shut up, you idiots. You’ll ruin the surprise!” Everyone stopped talking and hid, waiting for the moment that Lily would open the door and they could jump out.

They hadn’t been hiding for three minutes when the door opened, prompting everyone to jump out from their hiding spots, shouting “WELCOME HOME REMUS!” Remus’ face broke into a wide grin and he laughed, moving to give Dorcas and Marlene hugs as they ran up to him. “How was France?” they both asked, eager to hear about his trip. The boy, however, was no longer listened to the two girls. Instead, he was focused on Sirius who, for whatever reason, was avoiding his gaze. Sirius had to look at him eventually, though. And once he did, he turned to James and whispered something, before turning and walking into the kitchen. James caught Remus’ eyes and gestured towards the kitchen, mouthing ‘go’. Remus gave a small nod and made his way to the kitchen, desperate to find his friend.


	3. Captivate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. It's not completely edited, so please bear with me. This chapter was slightly more angsty than I had originally planned, but like I can't help myself. I tried to make it a little more fluffy, but I swear my stories are like an angst magnet. Anyway, enjoy, and let me know what you think in the comments!

When Remus entered the kitchen, he was surprised to find Sirius rushing around and filling platters with various different foods. Sirius hadn’t seemed to notice him yet, so he took the opportunity to talk to his friend while they were still he only two people in the kitchen.Sirius still hadn’t turned around, though. Remus was standing there, waiting for Sirius to acknowledge his existence, but the boy never even looked. He certainly knew Remus was there, though. After what felt like an eternity, he decided to break the silence. “Hey Pads.” At this, Sirius finally stopped what he was doing. He still hadn’t turned around, though.

“Hey,” Sirius muttered. It was so quiet that Remus almost didn’t catch it. “How was France?”

“It was good. It’s nice to be home though.” _More like it’s good to be back in the same room with you,_ he thought. Remus wasn’t sure why, but ever since Sirius kissed him at that party at the beginning of the summer, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. Granted, Sirius was always at the back of his mind, but something about this was different. It was different than the times when James would text Remus about how he was worried about Sirius. It was different than when Sirius and James would come up with elaborate plans to cheer him up and he would laugh, wondering how he got so lucky as to have such good friends. No, this was completely different. And he could NOT let Sirius know about this.

 

_Little did he know, however, that Sirius was thinking the exact same thing._

 

“Yeah, I’ll bet,” Sirius said, mentally face palming himself for his lame attempt at conversation. _You’ve been best mates with him since you were eleven and all you can come up with is ‘yeah, I’ll bet?’_ he thought to himself. “Give me a break.”

“What?” Remus asked, startled by the end of Sirius’ statement. _Shit,_ he thought. _Did I say that last part out loud?_ Remus had a confused look on his face, and Sirius couldn’t help but think about how attractive he looked when he furrowed his eyebrows like that.  

“Nothing,” Sirius said, quickly grabbing one of the filled trays on the table and making a hasty exit. Remus followed after him, determined to find out what his friend was hiding.

“No, Pads. I want to know what you meant by that.”

“It’s nothing. I was thinking to myself and didn’t realize I’d said the last part out loud.”

Remus sighed. “What were you thinking about?” Sirius bit his lip. “Was it your family?”

Sirius frowned. Ever since he had run away, he had tried to pretend that his family didn’t exist. It was pretty easy, considering he never really saw them anymore, but even the mention of them was enough to ruin his mood. “Sort of. I mean…they—” Sirius was cut off by the sound of Remus’ phone ringing. He looked hesitant, but Sirius motioned that he didn’t mind if Remus answered his phone. But he did mind. A lot, actually. Remus would never know this, though.

“Hey Clara,” Sirius heard Remus say. His face immediately fell. Of course he was talking to his girlfriend. Sirius couldn’t hear what she was saying, but he assumed it was something good since Remus was smiling. Sirius figured he should just get out of there. Leave him to talk to her in private while he went somewhere else, trying to hide the devastated look on his face. He decided that he was no longer in the mood to be at the party, so he went upstairs to his room and locked the door, grabbing a pack of cigarettes and sitting on the windowsill. His hands shook as he took one out and tried to light it; he once again cursed himself for how bloody sensitive he is. After about four tries, he finally managed to get the cigarette lit and he sighed, feeling himself become slightly more relaxed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Back downstairs, Remus had just finished talking to his girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend, if he were being correct. It’s not that he didn’t like Clara. In fact, he thought that she was great. The two of them had known each other for a while and were good together. Plus, Remus knew for a fact that she liked him. Yet, for some reason, he couldn’t get himself to feel the same way. He felt bad, because she really was a lovely woman. But ever since Sirius kissed him the night before he left for France, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. He had confided in Lily about it once, but she was absolutely no help.

Really, the idea of he and Sirius in a relationship was insane. Remus had seen some of the guys that Sirius had gone out with in the past; he didn’t even come close to them. He didn’t even come close to being good enough for him. Sirius was dark and handsome in a way that made him both strong and delicate. Why would he want someone as ordinary as Remus when he could have anyone he wanted?

Still, he couldn’t help but be worried about his friend. The way he hurried out of the room after merely glancing at Remus, the way he tried to avoid conversation and then pretty much running out of the room when he couldn’t. The fact that he, once again, disappeared as soon as he started talking to Clara. Now, Remus was no stranger to worrying about his friend. But there was something about this that was much different. He needed to find him; needed to sit him down and find out what was wrong.

On that note, Remus went to the place where he knew Sirius would be. He climbed the stairs two at a time, making it to the door of his friend’s room in seconds. He knocked, but there was no response. Remus didn’t think there would be. He decided to try again, though. “Pads,” he spoke softly, knocking on the door a second time. “It’s me.” Once again, no response. “Pads, please open the door. I just want to talk.” It felt like forever, but Sirius finally came to the door. He opened it a little, looking at Remus apprehensively. Remus sighed. “Can I come in?”

Sirius gave a small nod and opened the door wider. Remus walked in, taking in the room that he hadn’t been in in almost 2 months. He saw a sketch of a motorbike sitting on Sirius’ desk and he picked it up, eyes wide. “Is this the sketch you were telling me about?” Sirius once again nodded in response. “It’s really good.”

“Thanks,” Sirius said. He sat on his bed, fidgeting. He desperately hoped Remus didn’t notice, but he probably did. “What did you want to talk about?” he asked.

“Why were you upset downstairs?”

Sirius blinked. “What?”

“You looked upset while I was talking to Clara earlier. What’s wrong?” Sirius didn’t know what to say. How do you explain to someone that them talking to their girlfriend upsets you because you actually have feelings for them? Clearly Remus had an idea of what was wrong, though, because he continued. “Is it because you and I haven’t been as close lately? I know when Clara and I started dating it was hard for you, but you’ll always be my number one, Pads. And, Clara and I aren’t dating anymore so things can go back to the way they used to be.”

Sirius’ heart sped up at Remus’ statement. He and Clara had broken up? This was great news. “They can?” he asked, trying to hide his joy.

“Yeah. Now I’ll be able to spend more time with my best mate, right Pads?”

For the second time in less than 24 hours, Sirius’ heart was crushed. Best mates. That’s all Remus sees him as. That’s all Remus has _ever_ seen him as. “Yeah. Best mates.”

 

Little did either of them know that both of their hearts were crushed that night.

 


	4. Dependence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so I've had this put together for a few days now, but life is currently kicking my ass so it's taken me a while to get it posted. I was originally going to put their "date" in this chapter but decided against it, since it would have made the chapter really long. I promise it will be up soon. Thank you all for the comments and love for this story, it really makes my day knowing people actually read this. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!!  
> Also, for the texting parts of this chapter,  
> -Lily is italicized  
> -James is bold

It had been a week since Remus and Sirius had last spoken to each other. At first, Remus was worried that Sirius was angry at him because of what happened at the party, but Lily had assured him that that wasn’t the case. “He’s just going through a bit of a rough patch right now,” Lily had told him when he had asked.

“What does that even mean?” Remus questioned, eyebrows raised. “Is his family giving him a hard time again?” Remus knew all about Sirius’ family. He’d lost track of how many times James called him in the middle of the night over the years, asking if he could come and help with Sirius. The thought of his best friend being victim to the ways of his family made Remus want to be sick. He was so caught up in his worrying that he almost missed Lily’s response.

“It has nothing to do with his family. He’s just been…um…having a hard time emotionally.” Lily almost facepalmed at how dumb her statement sounded. Thankfully it managed to shut Remus up long enough for her to send a text to James about his and Dorcas’ half of the plan.

 

_Remember when I told you that I wanted to be a detective when I was younger?_

She didn’t have to wait long for a response.

 

**Yeah. Why?**

_Well, let’s just say that I no longer have a chance for that career_

_Or really any career that involves talking to and/or finding out things about another human_

_Please tell me your half of the plan is going better_

**I talked to Sirius and got him to stop mopping around long enough to convince him to come out with Dorcas and me for the day**

_So what’s he doing now?_

**Dorcas dragged him upstairs and is forcing him to pick out something to wear**

**Remember, you and Marlene need to get Remus to the coffeehouse in one hour**

_Ugh, okay. Coffeehouse in one hour_

The doorbell rang and Lily looked up, putting down her phone. She followed Remus into the living room, sighing in relief when she saw Marlene. Remus looked surprised to see her. Lily gave her a pleading look, hoping that she would be able to salvage their part of the plan. Thankfully she got the message. “So, I thought the three of us could go to that coffeehouse in town,” she said, keeping her gaze locked on Remus. “You know, the one that has the earl grey you like.” She looked at Lily, motioning for her to say something.

“Oh yeah! I love that place. Remember that time we went and I made you try that iced latte? You kept telling me that lattes are only good when they’re hot and were convinced that you wouldn’t like it—”

“But I did,” Remus finished, laughing.

“So…” Marlene started, a hopeful look on her face.

“Will you come with us?” Lily finished.

“I don’t know,” Remus said, unsure.

“Please!” Marlene begged, wrapping her arms around his neck. “It’ll be fun.”

“Oh…fine,” he conceded. “I’ll go with you guys.”

“Perfect,” Lily beamed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius felt like he was gonna be sick. He hadn’t spoken to Remus in a week and it was killing him. What if Remus knew about his feelings? What if he had figured it out and was disgusted by the thought of one of his best mates feeling that way towards him?

He had locked himself in his room after the party and he hadn’t really left it since. For the first few days, James came and tried to coax him out of his room. When he didn’t come out, James gave up, simply bringing food up and putting it outside his room in the hope that his friend would at least eat something during the day.

He had been hiding in his room for eight days when Dorcas barged in one morning. She ripped the sheets off his bed and dragged him out, cringing when she got a good look at him. His skin was paler than usual and his eyes were sunken in slightly. His face looked noticeably thinner and she sighed, grabbing his hand and tugging his arm so that he’d follow her. “I don’t understand why you felt the need to drag me out of bed,” he said, following Dorcas into the kitchen.

“Because James and I are worried about you,” she responded, eyeing him worriedly. She sat in the seat next to him.

“Why?”

“You’re sad”

“I am not _sad,_ Meadowes. What makes you think I’m sad?”

“You haven’t left your room since the party, you’ve barely spoken to any of us, and you obviously haven’t been eating. We’ve known each other since we were 10 years old, Black; I know how to tell when you’re upset.” Dorcas grabbed his hand and he just stared at it, not meeting either of his friends eyes. It was times like these that James was glad that Lily was not the only girl in their group. While James loved Sirius to death, he wasn’t always the best at comforting him. Dorcas, on the other hand, seemed to be able to get through to him consistently.

“I’ve left my room,” Sirius mumbled. James sighed and leaned forward in his chair, forcing his friend to look at him.

“Leaving your room only for showering barely counts as leaving, Pads.” Sirius met James’ eyes. “You can’t spend the rest of your life hiding from the person you love.”

“You don’t get it, James! I can’t tell him how I feel. What if I do something and screw it all up? Then it won’t matter if I hide from him because he’ll hate me!”

James chuckled. “Pads,” he started, a knowing look on his face. “I think you’re ridiculously underestimating how much Remus cares about you.”

Sirius scoffed. “You didn’t hear him at the party. He and I will only ever be best mates. He said so himself.”

“You don’t know for sure, Pads,” James tried to reassure his friend. 

“Can I go back to bed now?” Sirius asked, although the tone of his voice made it clear that he was not asking permission. James and Dorcas looked at each other worriedly, knowing that if Sirius went back to his room, the plan would be ruined. They had to think of something. James was trying to think of ways to tell Lily that the plan failed that wouldn’t end with her killing him, when he heard a loud yelp followed by a thud. He turned towards the doorway and couldn’t believe what he was seeing; Dorcas had jumped onto Sirius’ back and tackled him to the floor.

“Dorcas, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m keeping him from going back upstairs,” she said, trying to blow some of her hair out of her face. Clearly she was taking the plan very seriously. James quickly made his way over to them and pulled her off of Sirius, giving him the chance to get himself up. Before Sirius had the chance to say anything, James spoke.

“So you are going to go upstairs and get your shit together at least a little bit. Then you, me, and Dorcas are going to go to the coffeehouse and have some fun.” Sirius looked like he was gonna object, but James quickly cut him off. “Pads, you need to get out of the house and let yourself have fun. I miss my best friend.”

Sirius sighed loudly. “Alright. I’ll go with you guys.” James and Dorcas high fived. “But,” Sirius continued, “only if you guys buy me coffee.” Dorcas groaned and James laughed, rolling his eyes.

“Fine,” Dorcas said. She gave his shoulder a nudge. “Now go. We want to get there before it gets too crowded.” Sirius gave her a thumbs up in response and quickly headed upstairs. James pulled out his phone and immediately sent a text to Lily:

 

**He agreed to come out with us. Be ready soon!**

 


	5. Enigma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 4 fam sorry it took me so long

Lily, Marlene, and Remus arrived at the coffeehouse, not at all surprised that they were the first ones there. The three of them made to make their way to the counter but Remus stopped, motioning to one of the tables. “You guys sit. I’ll go get the drinks.” Lily and Marlene each handed him some money before sitting at the table, leaving him to get all of their coffees.He made his way to the counter and smiled, seeing Peter working. “Hey Pete,” he said. “How’s it going?”

“If one more person comes in asking for some crazy drink with like five thousand steps, I may die,” he said, looking slightly crazed.

“Just think, though,” Remus said calmly. “Pretty soon you won’t have to worry about it. Have you made enough money to get your car fixed yet?”

“I wish,” Peter said, frowning. “I can’t wait to get my car fixed so that I never have to see this place again. Anyway, enough about me. What can I get for you today?”

“Two medium coffees and one of those iced latte things that Lily likes,” Remus laughed. The world knew about Lily and her latte obsession. She’ll try and tell everyone that she likes them an appropriate amount, but everyone knows that she’s just in denial. Peter quickly made the drinks, giving them to Remus. He went to bring the drinks back to the table and nearly fell over at the sight in front of him. There, sitting at the table, was Sirius. He hadn’t seemed to notice Remus yet, which gave the boy a chance to observe him _(more like check him out, if Remus were being honest with himself)._

Remus slowly made  his way to the tables, handing Lily and Marlene their drinks. Noticing that the only empty seat was next to Sirius, Remus shot Lily a pleading look. It quickly became obvious, though, that she wasn’t going to do anything to help him. So, with nowhere else to go, Remus took the chair next to Sirius. Within ten seconds of sitting down, though, he really wished he hadn't, as James immediately turned to him.

“Hey Moony, want to know what happened last night?” James asked, suddenly getting excited. Remus rolled his eyes. Knowing James, it was probably something that had to do with Lily.

“Not really, but I have a feeling you’re gonna tell me anyway,” Remus chuckled. At that, Sirius decided to look up from his untouched coffee, meeting Remus’ eyes momentarily. Before he had the chance to decipher what the look meant, though, James started talking.

“So Dorcas, Marlene, and I were watching a movie and one of the characters is actually you.”

“What do you mean?”

“So, you know how you’re studying to be a teacher and you’re always saying that you want to be different than the boring ones we had in high school?” Remus nodded, taking a sip of his drink. “Well, the guy in the movie is this cool English teacher who…like…teaches his class how to think for themselves and not conform to society’s unrealistic expectations.” 

“Hmm,” Remus said, nodding slightly. “It sounds like a cool movie.”

“Yeah, it actually was. I was pretty surprised by it.” Remus thought it was quite amusing watching James get so excited about something as simple as a good movie. “Anyway, you definitely need to look it up and watch it. It’s called—”

“SHIT,” Dorcas suddenly yelled, slapping Marlene on the arm and causing the girl to spill some of her coffee. Marlene sent her a glare, but Dorcas wasn’t fazed at all. “I totally forgot that we were supposed to do that thing today.”

“What thing?” Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Lily and James said that they’d help Marlene and me with it,” Dorcas continued.

“Help you with what?” Remus retorted. He couldn’t help but think that all this was planned.

Before any of the others had a chance to respond with something more clever, James blurted out, “Babysitting a cat!” Everyone immediately got quiet and stared at James in disbelief.

“Babysitting a cat,” Remus scoffed. His eyes scanned each of them, scrutinizing them in the process. “All four of you?”

“Yeah…” Marlene stammered. “It’s a really big cat.” The other three nodded in agreement.

“We’d better go then,” Lily offered, already halfway out the door. The others quickly got up, practically running out of the shop. Remus sighed, looking over at the boy sitting next to him.

Remus and Sirius were finally alone. They hadn’t been alone with each other since the night of the party, over a week ago. It had been one of the longest weeks of Remus’ life and, based on the way Sirius looked sitting next to him, he’d bet that it was hard on him too. He felt like he should say something, but every time he tried to put his thoughts into words, his brain suddenly forgot how to function. Kind of like when someone asks you to describe yourself and you suddenly forget who you are. Only in this case, Remus was completely aware of who he was. He was also fully aware of what he wanted.

Sirius. From the moment he realized that he was interested in both men and women, it was Sirius. He just didn’t know how to tell him. Finally, though, the tense silence got the best of him. “Listen, Pads—”

“Am I not good enough?” Sirius suddenly asked, eyes wide. He looked like a  sad puppy, which made Remus feel worse about ignoring him all week.

“What?” Remus choked out.

“Is there something wrong with me?”

Remus couldn’t help himself; he suddenly burst out laughing. Sirius gave him a look and he quickly tried to quiet his chuckles. “Sorry,” he muttered. “It’s just…How could you think that you weren’t good enough?” Sirius looked down and shrugged in response, not trusting himself to speak. He knew he couldn’t just come right out and tell Remus how he felt about him. If he did, he’d probably end up sounding like one of those cliché romance novels. It was times like these where Sirius wished that he was better at expressing his feelings.

The silence at the table was agonizing. It didn’t look like Remus was planning on speaking anytime soon, and Sirius knew that if he didn’t say something, he would probably die. “I—” he started, then stopped abruptly. Remus met his eyes, giving him a gentle smile. Even his smile was perfect.

“What is it?” Remus asked. “Come on. You can tell me.” Sirius refused to meet his eyes. He couldn’t look into those golden eyes that he had loved since they were fifteen.

“I…um…I like you, Moony,” he finally said, face turning beet red. Remus smiled even wider.

“Well I’d hope you’d like me Pads,” he joked. “Our friendship wouldn’t have lasted this long if we didn’t like each other.” Sirius sent him a glare and gave and overly dramatic sigh. Remus had a pretty good idea of where this conversation was headed, but he wanted to hear Sirius say it himself.

“No,” Sirius whined, covering his face with his hands. Remus was embarrassed to admit that even Sirius’ whine was cute. “I like you Remus. Not like a friend—well…I mean, I do like you as a friend—but like I’m talking about as more than a friend…but like I get it if you don’t—”

Remus gripped Sirius’ hands, stopping his friend mid rant. Sirius looked up at him. Remus grinned and squeezed his hand. “I like you too, Pads.” As soon as Remus said those words, Sirius’ entire face lit up.

“Really?” he almost squeaked. Remus laughed, standing up from his chair. He motioned to the door and Sirius stood up as well, grabbing Remus’ hand before exiting the shop. They walked down the street, stopping at the nearby bus stop and sitting on the bench. 

“Of course I like you, idiot,” Remus said. “How could I not?”

Sirius, suddenly feeling embarrassed, stared down at their still intertwined hands. “I don’t know,” he started. “I’ve never really been that good at being subtle about my feelings and when I kissed you at that party earlier in the summer and…you know…nothing happened, I just…assumed you didn’t feel the same way.”

Remus couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Sirius _liked_ him. He actually liked him! He couldn’t remember ever having been this happy before. Suddenly, all of Sirius’ behaviors make sense to Remus as well. Kissing him at the beginning of the summer, hiding from him at the party, getting sad when he referred to him as only a best mate when he clearly saw him as more than a friend. And not least of all was this past week. Remus could tell that it had greatly affected Sirius and the boy’s self-destructive tendencies, coupled with the thoughts that Remus didn’t feel the same way, did nothing to help.

There was, however, something that Remus really wanted to do. Something that would show Sirius that his feelings were reciprocated better than any words ever could. So, before he had the chance to talk himself out of it, he leaned in and kissed Sirius, catching him completely off guard.

While the kiss only lasted a few seconds, Remus thought it was perfect. He hoped Sirius felt the same way about it, but seeing as he quickly pulled Remus back to continue the kiss, he could safely assume he did.

And they would have remained in that moment had the bus not arrived and the driver loudly asked if they were planning on getting on anytime soon.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

The ride back to the townhouse that Sirius and James shared was uneventful, unless you count Sirius forgetting his key and then proceeding to pick the lock. It wasn’t until they were sitting in the kitchen that Sirius realized that the key was, in fact, in the inside pocket of his coat. “So, what do we do now?” Sirius finally asked.

“Well…you could show me some of the stuff you’ve been working on all summer,” Remus suggested. Sirius paled slightly, thinking of the one or two (more like five) sketches that bore a striking resemblance to the boy across from him. Considering the recent turn of events, though, he assumed that Remus wouldn’t be upset by it. 

“Sure, why not?” Sirius shrugged, leading Remus out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. “They’re upstairs in my room.” While they were making their way to Sirius’ room, Remus couldn’t help but notice how good his ass looked in the jeans he was wearing. He briefly wondered if his own clothes made him look that good.

His thoughts were cut short, however, when Sirius suddenly stopped walking, prompting Remus to crash into him. Sirius turned to glance at him and, seeing the deep red color that had taken over his friend’s face, grinned widely. “Were you checking me out?” he asked, a hint of amusement in his voice. Remus didn’t even need to respond; the look on his face was answer enough. This only made Sirius laugh, but the amusement was gone, replaced by a mischievous look in his eyes. “Don’t worry,” he muttered quietly. He inched closer to Remus, his face getting dangerously close to the other boy’s neck.

Just when Remus thought that nothing was gonna happen, he felt Sirius’ breath as he whispered, “I like what I see, too,” just loud enough for Remus to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay so I tried to make to make sure this wasn't super angsty or cliche but like I feel like it still is. Anyway, let me know what you think and hope you enjoyed it!


	6. Familiar

Remus followed Sirius into his room, gasping at what he saw. There, taped all over Sirius’ walls, were pictures. There were at least 40 paintings and sketches hanging up, some entirely made of color and others a subtle black and white. He walked over to Sirius’ desk to get a closer look, smiling when he saw that a majority of them were pictures of their group of friends.

Sirius sat on his bed with a cigarette dangling in between his fingers, watching Remus across the room. To say he was happy was an understatement. He was ecstatic. Ever since the night he kissed him at the beginning of the summer, Sirius had been terrified of Remus rejecting him. And then, when he heard that Remus had started dating someone, he assumed that nothing would ever happen between them. But now that he knew that Remus felt the same way, he felt dumb for having been so upset. He continued to mentally berate himself until he felt the bed shift next to him. “So,” he finally said. “What did you think?”

Remus’ eyes immediately lit up, face breaking into a wide grin. “They’re amazing, Pads.”

“Really?” Sirius asked, eyes searching for any sign that Remus might be lying.

“Yes really,” Remus said, scooting so that his and Sirius’ bodies were touching. He leaned into him, face so close that Sirius could feel Remus’ breath on his skin. “I love them,” he whispered, pulling him in for a kiss.

This kiss lasted longer than the last one, going on for at least five seconds. They broke apart momentarily and Remus glanced around the room. He thought that he had heard something, but quickly pushed it to the back of his mind when he heard Sirius talking. He didn’t want to hear him talk, though. He wanted to pick things up from where they had left off only moments ago. “Looking for some—”

Remus grabbed him, pulling him down on the bed. Things were just beginning to get heated when Remus heard footsteps coming up the stairs accompanied by James’ voice. In retrospect, he and Sirius probably should have taken that as their cue to stop for the time being. Because while James was supportive of them being together (that much was obvious based on this morning), Remus didn’t think that he would want to walk in on the two of them shagging. That nightmare was brought to reality, however, when he heard James knock on Sirius’ door. Remus yelped, throwing Sirius off of him. He hit the ground, groaning as his head collided with something hard. “Shit,” he hissed, feeling blood drip from his nose.

“Sirius, mate…you okay?” James asked from outside, knocking again. When he got no response, he opened the door and walked in, Lily following close behind. They saw Remus laying on the bed with his shirt unbuttoned and Sirius on the floor, holding a tissue to his bleeding nose. Remus quickly buttoned his shirt, never once taking his eyes off of James.

“What do you want James?” Sirius asked, voice slightly muffled by the tissues. Remus looked over to him and was surprised to see him completely calm. He seemed unfazed by the fact that his best mate had just walked in on the two of them. Granted, things hadn’t yet progressed farther than them making out and taking their shirts off—but still, the thought is horrifying.

“I was…um…just gonna ask if you guys wanted to watch a movie with us. Peter was going to come after he gets off of work.”

“Actually, we were just getting ready to leave,” Sirius says. 

“We were?” Remus squeaks, voice unnaturally high-pitched. Sirius laughed and Remus shot him a glare.

“Maybe later though,” Sirius said, walking towards James and Lily. He motioned to the door and Remus assumed he wanted them to leave. Lily seemed to get the message and backed out of the room, pulling James along with her.

“Sounds good,” she said, giving Remus a wink and a thumbs up. “We’ll see you guys later then.” Remus saw Sirius nod so he did as well.

James looked at them one more time before leaving. “Yeah…and um…sorry for interrupting you two.” Lily then sighed loudly and yanked him out of the room and back down the stairs. Sirius closed the door, but they could still hear them arguing.

“James, I can’t believe you just walked in on them!” Lily screeched. “Do you remember how long we’ve all been waiting for them to get together?”

“Obviously I remember,” James groaned. “I didn’t do it on purpose.” At this point their conversation was boring to Remus, so he turned his attention back to the man across from him. Sirius was standing in front of the mirror, washing the blood off his face. He still didn’t have his shirt on, which was completely fine with Remus. He could see the vertebra poking out from his back and Remus wanted nothing more than to go over there and touch him.

Sirius clearly had other ideas, though, because he quickly threw his shirt back on and came over to Remus. “Are you going to fix your shirt?” he chuckled. Remus hadn’t even  noticed that it was buttoned unevenly. He blushed a deep shade of scarlet and quickly fixed it.

“Where are we going?” Remus asked, noticing that Sirius had put his jacket and shoes on. Sirius ignored him, instead grabbing his hand and pulling him down the stairs. Soon they were out the door and walking down the street, still holding hands. “C’mon Pads,” he said. “Where are we going?”

“We’re going out,” Sirius said, a huge smile on his face. Remus immediately stopped walking.

“Do we have to?” he whined. As soon as he said those words, though, he wished he could take them back. Sirius’ face fell and he dropped Remus’ hand, taking a few steps away from him.

“Oh, well…I just—you know—thought that you would want to go on a proper first date,” Sirius muttered, looking at the ground. Remus quickly grabbed his hand again, forcing him to look up.

“Of course I do,” Remus said gently. Sirius raised an eyebrow, confusion evident on his face. “I just didn’t know that that’s what you meant. I’m not even dressed for a date,” Remus sighed gesturing to his outfit.

“And I am?” Sirius laughed

“You’d be ready for a date no matter what you wore,” Remus whispered.

Sirius’ face lit up. “Aw Moony,” he started, kissing Remus on the cheek. “You’d look good no matter what, too!” 

“So where are we going for our first date?” Remus asked once they had started walking again. He couldn’t help but smile at the thought. _He and Sirius. On a date_. He couldn’t believe it was actually happening. 

“How about the black lake?” Sirius asked hesitantly, looking at Remus for confirmation. Remus smiled and nodded, squeezing Sirius’ hand. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the next chapter. Sirius and Remus are finally going on their first date together! Once again, thank you all for reading and feel free to let me know what you think. Your comments really do brighten my day!


	7. Gentle

Remus and Sirius walked aimlessly throughout the park leading up to the lake, their interlocked hands swinging between them. Remus stole a glance at Sirius, smiling when he saw the content look on his face. He thought about the events of the summer, particularly the events of the past two weeks. It was weird to think that, just two weeks ago, he had a girlfriend and was keeping his feelings about his best friend a secret. There was a part of him that felt bad about ending things with Clara. Because, while they were on good terms with each other, he knew that she really liked him.

And then there was Sirius, with his long hair, leather jackets, and charming personality. To any stranger, the two of them must have been quite an odd sight. Outwardly, he and Sirius could not be more different. Remus’ laid back look and tendency to rock a cardigan was in stark contrast to Sirius’ tattoos and leather. _That’s the problem with some people,_ Remus thought to himself. _They see someone’s physical appearance and make an immediate assumption of who they are._

Sirius seemed to know exactly where he was going, pulling Remus along with him until they reached a large tree. Sirius sat on the ground and Remus took the spot next to him, grabbing his hand as soon as he sat down. He glanced over at Sirius, noticing his glazed over eyes and the faraway look on his face. “Come here often?” Remus asked, trying to get his attention.

“I used to come here whenever things would get bad at home,” Sirius said, eyes still locked on the lake. Remus saw a few tears run down his face, but the boy quickly wiped them away. “I would come here and just sit under this tree and pretend that everything was all right…at least for a little while.” The tears were falling faster now and Sirius gave up on trying to wipe them away. “It was like my own little bubble where I knew my parents wouldn’t come after me. Lord knows they would never go into a park, let along to look for me of all people.”

After a few minutes of silence following Sirius’ confession, he laughed, wiping the last of his tears. “I’m sorry,” he sniffled, looking hesitantly at Remus. “Dates are supposed to be fun and happy and here I am…having a breakdown.”

Remus put his arm around Sirius’ shoulders, pulling the other boy close to him. “It’s fine, Pads,” he said reassuringly. “I’m just glad you opened up to me.” Sirius shook his head.

“Dorcas would be horrified if she saw how this was going.”

Remus laughed. “I’m sure she would just be happy we’re here together.” Sirius nodded as well. A few minutes of silenced passed before Remus decided to speak again. “Sirius?”

“Hmm,” he hummed, waiting for Remus to continue speaking.

“How come you…um…brought me here if it reminds you of all the awful stuff your family did to you?” Sirius turned so that he and Remus were facing each other, and Remus was shocked to see him smiling slightly.

“Because I felt safe,” he said simply. Remus rose an eyebrow, confused. “This place was sort of like a safe haven for me. I don’t know…I just…I never had to pretend that things weren’t as bad as they were. I never felt judged for being too weak or sensitive. I was safe.”

“But, what does that have to do with me?” Remus asked, genuinely confused.

“I feel safe with you.” Remus wanted to cry. That was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever said to him. He wrapped his arms around him, kissing him gently. When they finally pulled apart, Sirius was smiling. Remus couldn’t help but smile back.

“I feel safe with you too.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sirius was sitting on the grass with his back against the tree, drawing quickly. Every few minutes he would wince as the bark dug into his spine, but he wouldn’t move. Remus wondered if he had even realized that it was dark out.

After sitting a talking for about an hour and a half, Sirius thought it would be a good idea to draw a picture because “I have to remember the best day of my life, Moony!” That was over an hour ago. Remus had no idea what Sirius was drawing and was starting to get impatient.

It was just past 9:30 when Sirius sighed, finally putting his pencils down. He quickly got up and marched over to where Remus was sitting. He motioned for Remus to get up, taking his hand as soon as he was and pulling him back towards where he was originally sitting. “Well?” Remus asked. “Do I get to see it?” Sirius handed him the paper, not saying a word. Remus looked at it, stunned. He and Sirius were sat against the tree. Sirius had his head on Remus’ shoulder and they both had huge smiles on their faces, as though they were laughing.

“What do you think?” Sirius asked, nipping at Remus’ ear.

“It’s great,” Remus said, crashing Sirius against the tree and kissing him. He let out a small whimper as the bark dug in to his back but he tried to hide it, not wanting to ruin the moment. Remus, however, heard it and immediately broke away, staring at him with concern.

“What was that?” Remus asked worriedly.

Sirius shook his head, muttering a quiet “nothing” before kissing him again. Remus was going to question him further, but decided to leave it be for the moment.

“How about we head back to my place?” Remus suggested. Sirius nodded and they broke apart once again, walking to Remus’ apartment.

The walk, while only about 15 minutes, seemed infinitely long to Sirius. That’s why, when they finally did make it to Remus’ apartment, Sirius wasted no time in picking up here they had left off in the park. As soon as the two of them had made it to Remus’ room they were kissing, Remus pulling Sirius on top of him on the bed. Within minutes they each had their shirt off and were making out.

A few hours later, Remus was laying in his bed, slowly running his fingers through Sirius’ hair as the boy lay curled up against him, sleeping. Or, Remus thought he was sleeping. It had been over a half an hour since he had last said something and so Remus thought he had finally fallen asleep. He was just about to doze off himself when he heard Sirius’ voice. “I really like you Rem,” he whispered. Remus smiled and pulled the boy closer to him.

“I really like you too.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sirius walked into the house and was immediately greeted by an irritated James. He hadn’t even made it 20 feet in when his friend started talking. “Where were you?” James asked, hands on his hips.

“What?’

“You never came home last night. Where were you?”

“I stayed with Moony,” Sirius said, not understanding where this was going.

“And you couldn’t call or text me so that I knew?” James said.

“Why does it matter?” Sirius yelled, getting angry.

“Because the last time you didn’t let me know that you weren’t coming home, I found you half dead in the park the next day!" 

Sirius cringed, heart dropping into his stomach. He vividly remembered the day James was talking about and the situation surrounding it. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice filled with so much emotion that it broke James’ heart.

“Just…please let me know next time, okay?” Sirius nodded in response. “I was really worried.”

“I know,” Sirius muttered. “I’m sorry.” James looked guiltily at his friend before deciding to change the top to something less depressing.

“So mum and dad asked if we wanted to come over in a little bit.” Sirius nodded. “I figured it would be good for us to go see them. They miss you.”

“You know, Prongs,” Sirius chuckled. “I think your parents are starting to like me more than you.”

James rolled his eyes. “Don’t get too full of yourself, Pads,” James said lightly. “It’s obvious we’re tied for favorite child.” Sirius laughed loudly at that.

“You sure about that mate?”

“They see me all the time,” James started. “Whereas, they haven’t seen you in almost three weeks.” Sirius shot a playful glare at his friend.

“Well then. We must get there immediately,” he said, dramatically grabbing James’ arm and dragging him out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the next chapter! Life has really been kicking my ass lately and making things super difficult so I hope that this chapter wasn't too cliche and cringey.I really hope you all like it though. As always, feel free to let me know what you think. Reading comments literally makes my day!


	8. Helpless

It had been two weeks since their first date and Sirius couldn’t be happier. He wondered if this was how people always felt when they found the person they love. This happiness was accompanied by an uncomfortable feeling deep inside him and when he told James about it, the boy didn’t understand.

“I really don’t get what you’re freaking out about,” James said, sitting on the couch while his friend laid on the floor. He assumed that the feeling Sirius was experiencing was just his anxiety and so he tried to help his friend, not wanting to see him suffer.

“What if he decides I’m too annoying and doesn’t want to go out anymore?”

“Why would he think you’re annoying?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius mumbled. “I just think I am.” James got off of the couch and sat next to him.

“I know this may be hard for you to believe sometimes, but for whatever it’s worth, we all think you’re pretty great.” James squeezed his hand gently. “And I know for a fact that Remus loves you, probably even more than you love him.” Sirius tried to smile, but it came out looking more like an ugly grimace. The feeling was still there, not at all eased by James’ kind words. On the contrary, it made him feel nauseous and it made the room spin.

It was only a few seconds later that his stomach clenched and he barely had enough time to sprint to the bathroom before he was throwing up. James rushed in behind him, holding his hair and rubbing his back. As soon as Sirius was finished, James grabbed his arms and pulled him to his feet, guiding him back into the living room and placing him on the sofa. He immediately grabbed one of the pillows, hugging it to his chest and laying on his side. James sighed, going to get the thermometer out of their medicine box and bringing it back, forcing it into Sirius’ mouth. When the number finally showed, he winced as he saw 39oC flash across the screen. “What does it say?” Sirius asked, voice raspy.

“Thirty-nine,” James said. “You’ve got a fever. Do you want me to call Remus?” Sirius shook his head hard, stopping when it made his vision go blurry.

“No, you can’t bother Remus with this.” James raised his eyebrows, confusion clear on his face.

“Why not?” 

“He has more important things to worry about than me being sick.”

~~~~~~~~~~

It had been two days and Sirius had shown no improvement. His fever had gone down a little bit, but he couldn’t stomach even the simplest of foods. James would check on him throughout the day, bringing him food at different times, but each time was exactly the same. He would make it through maybe five bites at most before he was running to the bathroom. It worried James to see his friend like this. Plus, he still didn’t want James to call Remus. At first he thought that the two of them were fighting, but then found out from Lily that he had this huge scholarship project that he had been working on, and Sirius thought that the project was more important than his boyfriend being there when he was ill.

James didn’t care, though. Lily told him that Remus was finished and James called him immediately after, asking him to come over. He knew that Remus would want to be with Sirius, regardless of what the stubborn boy said.

As soon as Remus got there, though, he ran up the stairs and straight to Sirius’ room, throwing open the door. The boy in question, however, wasn’t in his room. Confused, Remus wandered over to the bathroom, knocking gently on the door. “Sirius?” he called. There was no answer. “Are you in there?” Still nothing. Instead of trying knocking for a third time, he pushed the door open, walking in slowly. What he saw almost made him burst out laughing. There, in the bathtub, was Sirius, sound asleep. Remus chuckled, brushing a piece of Sirius’ hair back, cringing at how warm he was. “Hey James?” he called, hoping that he heard him.

“Hm?” 

“Can you bring me the thermometer and a few pieces of toast? I’m gonna see if I can get him to eat something.” James gave him a worried look.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “He probably won’t be able to keep it down. He’s been like this for three days.” 

“Just let me see if I can get him to eat.” James sighed, leaving to get the stuff. He returned a few minutes later, toast and thermometer in hand. Remus took them both, telling James that he had it covered. “Sirius,” he whispered, shaking the boy lightly. Sirius groaned but didn’t open his eyes. “You’ve got to get up,” he tried again. This time Sirius did open his eyes.

“Wha—” 

“Here, let me help you.” Remus grabbed his shoulders, pulling his up and helping him out of the bathtub. He stood for a total of fifteen seconds before he fell, Remus barely having enough time to catch him. “I brought you some food—” Remus didn’t even get to finish his sentence; Sirius abruptly throwing up in the bathtub. “Oh god Pads, don’t throw up in the tub.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius choked out, curling into a ball once he finished.

“It’s fine,” Remus soothed, pulling Sirius into his lap. “Do you want to try the toast or—”

Sirius shook his head. “Can we just stay here for a minute?” Remus gave him a confused look. 

“On the bathroom floor?” He looked over at Sirius, but the boy had closed his eyes and leaned his head on Remus’ shoulder. He sighed then stood up, careful not to wake Sirius. “Up we go,” he started, picking Sirius up and bringing him to his bedroom. “It’s time for you to go to bed.”

He laid Sirius on the bed, moving the covers so that he would be comfortable. Sirius moaned, opening his eyes and looking around. “Rem?”

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Sirius gave a small nod and Remus smiled, leaving the bedroom and going to clean the bathroom up. When he came back in the room after he was done, he found Sirius fast asleep. He carefully climbed into bed next to Sirius and wrapped his arm around him. “Night Pads,” he whispered, kissing him gently on the forehead. Sirius immediately curled up next to him, sighing contently and going back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone!  
> I really hope you all like this chapter. Things have not been going so well for me, so I apologize for this not being a very happy chapter.   
> Anyway, I really hope you enjoy and please feel free to leave comments. I know I say this every time but reading comments honestly brightens my entire day


	9. Illusion

Sirius black was an awful patient. It had been three days since Remus started taking care of Sirius and the boy was beginning to lose his mind. He wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t take his medication, and every time Remus would leave the room, he would too. The amount of times Remus had found Sirius sleeping in odd places was borderline remarkable.

Which was why, as Remus brought Sirius back to bed for the  second time that morning, he decided they needed to have a talk. “Pads, this is the second time since this morning that I’ve had to drag you back to bed. Why do you keep going to sleep in the bathtub?”

“It’s cool in there,” Sirius mumbled, tripping over his own feet. Remus quickly grabbed his shoulders, steadying him.

“You were hot?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows. Sirius nodded. “So, naturally, your first reaction was to go lay in the tub?” Another nod. “But this morning you had me turn up the heat because you were too cold!”

Sirius looked at Remus, a faraway look in his glazed over eyes. “I didn’t wanna keep bugging you,” he admitted. Remus frowned. “Plus, I couldn’t work that magic weather button thing.”

“You mean the thermostat?” Remus laughed, pushing Sirius back into his head. “Now, will you please stay in bed while I go find the thermometer and some food for you?”

“Okay,” he groaned, curling himself into a ball on the bed, blanket pulled up to his chin. He didn’t have to wait long for Remus to return, thermometer and various food items in hand.

“Pads?” Remus asked, walking over to the bed and tapping Sirius on the nose.

“Hm,” he mumbled, not opening his eyes. Remus sighed loudly.

“You wouldn’t, by any chance, happen to know how the thermometer ended up under the sink in the bathroom?” Sirius shook his head.

“I’m fine, Moony. You don’t need to keep checking.” Remus sighed again, sitting next to the boy and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“You know I can’t believe that.” Sirius glanced at him, a confused look on his face.

“Why not?”

“Sirius,” he began, pecking the boy lightly on this cheek. “Please just let me check. I want to make sure you’re okay.” At that, Sirius finally conceded (although Remus was pretty sure that it had more to do with the kiss than anything else), taking the thermometer and putting it in his mouth. When it beeped, he took it out and handed it to Remus, waiting to see what the boy would say. “37.4,” he said, patting Sirius on the arm. “It’s getting better—”

“I told you,” Sirius said smugly. Remus just sent him a look.

“Now, I need you to eat, though.” Sirius groaned loudly, falling back into his bed. “Um…no. Don’t groan at me. You need to eat. Not having a fever anymore isn’t gonna mean anything if you don’t eat something.” Remus gestured to the food. “So, I brought up a bunch of different things so that you can choose what you like.” Sirius looked at everything, wrinkling his nose at each item.

“Do I have—”

Remus grabbed Sirius’ shoulders, quickly shushing him. “Here’s what we’ll do. You’ll pick something and try to eat at least one half of it. If you can keep it down, then maybe you and I can go out for a little bit and do something. Sound good?” Sirius stared at him with wide eyes, nodding faintly. 

“Okay.”

“So, what would you like?” Sirius looked around at the food for a few minutes before pointing at the bowl of cereal. Remus handed it to him, smiling encouragingly. Sirius slowly started eating.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Needless to say, Sirius was very much not completely fine. He managed to make it through half of the cereal before he threw up. Remus was glad that he had a garbage can close by. After the cereal failed, they decided to try some soup. This, however, had the same result as the cereal and ended with him, once again, throwing up in the trash can.

Remus felt awful for Sirius as he watched the boy sit against the bed hugging his knees to his chest, eyes red. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, staring at the ground. Remus wrapped the boy in a hug, kissing him gently.

“Hey…no,” he started. “You have nothing to apologize for.” Sirius shook his head. “How about we try something easier.” 

“Like what?” he choked out, just now meeting Remus’ eyes.

“I can find you some crackers or something and then we can sit outside for a bit,” Remus said, pulling Sirius off of the floor and pretending not to notice how light he was. Remus was hoping that that issue would be resolved soon.

The two boys walked downstairs and straight to the backyard, pulling two chairs with them. Remus motioned for Sirius to sit while he went to get the food. As soon as Remus returned Sirius grabbed his hands, pulling him down and kissing him slowly. He wished that they could stay like that forever. Once Remus put the stuff on the table between them, he sat down in his own chair and gestured towards the table’s contents. “Now I don’t want you to feel pressured,” he rambled. “Just eat what you can.” Sirius nodded.

The two of them sat for awhile, holding hands and just being with each other. It was the first time they had really done something together since that night at the park. Sirius slowly looked over at Remus, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Remus Lupin, is this you taking me on a date?” Remus blushed furiously, face turning a deep scarlet. Sirius laughed, getting up from his chair and siting on Remus’ lap. “Well, thank you. I love it,” he said, leaning in and kissing him. “And I love you,” he whispered in between kisses. Remus’ heart filled with so much joy that he was scared it would burst.

“I love you too.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I am actually obsessed with writing this story. Remus is the sweetest human in the world and it makes me so happy. Plus, I would totally die for this relationship. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing and feel free to let me know what you think!  
> Also, would anyone be interested in a potential sequel to this story? I know it's a little early for that and this story still has quite a few chapters to go, but if people would be interested in that I can make it happen. So please let me know


	10. Judgment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of the phone conversation during this chapter,  
> Remus is underlined  
> Lily is bold and underlined

Sirius had never said ‘I love you’ before. Nor had anyone ever said it to him. At least, not in a romantic sense. Over the years he, James, and all their friends would tell each other that they loved them; or, Mr. and Mrs. Potter would always tell Sirius that they loved him. Both of these were different, though. Different than when you’re in a relationship and you’re so happy that you feel like your heart will burst.

It was about a week after their unofficial second date that Sirius decided to tell Remus this. “You’ve never said it?” Remus had asked after Sirius admitted to having never told someone that he loved them. Sirius just nodded, dropping his eyes to the floor and refusing to meet the other boy’s gaze. “It’s not something you need to feel ashamed of, Sirius.”

“I know,” he whispered, though Remus wasn’t sure if the boy believed his own words. He nodded anyway, though, not wanting to upset the boy.

“I’m gonna go downstairs and do some work, okay?” Sirius nodded. "Don't forget we're going to Lily's later." With that, he gave Sirius a quick kiss and left the room, going downstairs to the kitchen.

A little while later, Sirius was staring at his phone in disbelief, wondering if he was dreaming. Isn’t this when you would ask someone to pinch you? Where was Remus when he needed him? He figured he could  pinch himself, but that it probably wouldn’t be the same. “Moony!” he called out, hoping the boy would hear him and come back upstairs. Thankfully he did, and within five minutes he was walking into the room.

“What is it Sirius?” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. Sirius glanced over at him, eyes empty.

“Can you pinch me?” he asked. Remus stopped, tripping over his own feet and hitting the ground with a thud. Sirius just continued staring. Remus quickly stood back up, going over to his boyfriend and looking for any sign that he was joking. He saw none.

“Can I _what_?” he squeaked.

“I think I may be dreaming,” he said in a daze. “I need you to pinch me.” Remus still had no idea what was going on. Before he had the chance to ask, though, Sirius started talking again. “I got a text from my brother,” he started. “It’s the first time he’s spoken to me in almost two years.” 

“What did he say?”

“He just asked if we could meet up and talk.”

“Why don’t you invite him to Lily’s tonight and you guys can talk there?” Remus suggested. Sirius shook his head. 

“I can’t just bring him to Lily’s house. It’s rude to show up to someone’s house with a person they’ve never met,” Sirius argued.

“Then why don’t you ask Lily if you can bring him? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.” Sirius shook his head again. “Fine,” he said, a mischievous glint in his eye. “If you won’t ask her…then I will.” And he immediately pulled out his phone, quickly dialing Lily’s number. Sirius looked at him, a horrified expression taking over his features. “Hey Lily,”he heard Remus say. “Look, so Sirius was wondering if he could bring his bro—” There was a yelp and then the sound of two bodies hitting the floor as Sirius tackled Remus, trying to pry the phone from his hand. The boy was strong, though, and Sirius was still weak from his illness the week prior, so he managed to keep Sirius from stealing the phone and hanging up on Lily.

“Remus,” he whined. “Just give me the phone.” Remus shook his head.

“No, Sirius. Getting together with Regulus could be good for you.”

“But I don’t wanna,”Sirius whined, once again struggling against Remus. The boy quickly covered Sirius’ mouth with his hand and brought the phone back to his ear.

“Sorry, Lily. Sirius was being difficult. Anyway, he got a text from his brother and was wondering if he could bring him tonight?”Just as Lily was about to respond, Remus felt Sirius lick his hand. He let out a squeak and quickly let go of the boy, a disgusted look on his face. “Really, Pads?”

 **“Remus? Are you still there?”** they both heard Lily ask on the other end of the phone. **“If you can hear me, tell Sirius that he’s more than welcome to bring his brother tonight.”** Sirius sighed, knowing that he was out of luck. Remus smiled triumphantly.

“Thanks Lily. See you later.”And with that, Remus hung up the phone, sending a smug look toward Sirius. The boy was just about to leave the room when Remus grabbed him, pulling him to the bed and crawling on top of him.

“You know,” Sirius said, pausing as Remus kissed him. “I never realized how strong you are.”

“Well, it could have something to do with the fact that you were sick and didn’t really eat for an entire week,” Remus said, pulling away momentarily and looking at Sirius.

“That’s not important. Take the compliment Moony.”

“If I take the compliment, will you promise to never lick my hand again?” Remus felt Sirius smile into the kiss before moving and nipping at his ear.

“Don’t pretend you didn’t love it,” he whispered in Remus’ ear, making the boy shiver. He left a trail of kisses along his jaw, stopping at his mouth and biting his bottom lip. Remus gulped, trying to control himself.

“That’s debatable,” he said jokingly, moving down to Sirius’ neck and leaving little bites here and there. The other boy groaned in response and pulled Remus as close as possible, kissing him fiercely and completely forgetting about his previous predicament.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

There was half an hour before they had to be at Lily’s place and Sirius was standing in the bathroom in only his jeans, giving himself a slightly annoyed look. He had been trying to make the marks that Remus left on his neck a little less noticeable when he got a good look at himself. His body clearly had not recovered from when he was ill; his face was thin and his skin pale, cheekbones sticking out more than normal. He looked down at his chest, seeing his protruding ribs and quickly throwing his shirt on. He felt uncomfortable. He didn’t want people to think there was something wrong with him.

He finally left the bathroom, walking back into his room and seeing Remus lounge on his bed. Remus furrowed his eyebrows in confusion when he saw the look on Sirius’ face. “What’s wrong, Pads?” Instead of trying to explain the problem, Sirius simply took off his shirt and gestured to himself. “What am I supposed to be looking at?” he asked, chuckling lightly. Sirius sighed loudly.

“Why do I look like this?” Remus was still confused.

“What do you mean?”

“My face makes me look like I’m dead and my ribs stick out so much I can count them and see them through my clothes and I just…I just don’t want people to say things about me.” Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, pulling him in for a hug before having him sit on the bed.

“For the last time, Pads, you were sick. Okay?” Sirius still looked unsure. “You spent a week being sick where there was a lot of vomiting and pretty much no eating and this,” Remus gestured to Sirius’ body, “was bound to happen. But it’s okay, Pads, because I’m here to help you.” Sirius smiled weakly and Remus pulled him close, kissing him gently. “Plus, you know I won’t let anyone say anything about you and you know for sure that James won’t let anyone. And lord help us all if Dorcas hears anyone being mean because you can guarantee that she would throw down for you.”

“I guess,” Sirius shrugged. 

“And if you’re still worried about people seeing then we’ll just have you wear a sweatshirt or something baggy.” Sirius nodded, getting up and grabbing an oversized sweatshirt and throwing it on over his shirt.

“Ready?” he asked, taking Remus’ hand and squeezing it tightly. The other boy nodded and they went out the door, walking the short distance to Lily’s place. They were almost at the front door when Remus stopped, suddenly remembering something.

“You remembered to tell regulus to meet you here, right?” Sirius sighed, nodding slowly. “Okay, good. Just checking.” And with that, they opened the door and went inside. They hadn’t made it twenty feet before James ran up to them, giving them both a hug. 

“Hey mates, how’s it going?” he asked loudly. He noticed Sirius and gave him an odd look. “It’s 28 degrees out Pads. Why are you wearing a sweatshirt?” Remus facepalmed, groaning quietly. Sirius looked down at his feet, fidgeting uncomfortably.

“I…um—”

“James, why don’t you come help me get some drinks, yeah?” Remus cut in, noticing how nervous Sirius was getting. The boy had yet to look at any of his friends. James nodded, a confused look on his face. “We’ll be right back.” And with that, the two boys walked away, leaving Sirius by himself.

As soon as he and Remus got to the drink table, James started talking. “What’s going on Moony? Why’d I need to come with you?” Remus slapped him on the arm, sending him a glare.

“You can’t say anything to Sirius about what he’s wearing or the way he looks, okay?”

“Why not?” Remus leaned in close so that only James would hear.

“He lost a lot of weight while he was sick and he’s self-conscious about it. He’s really worried that people are gonna comment on it.” He gave James a look, letting him know that this was serious. “So please don’t say anything, alright? He was pretty upset about it earlier.” James nodded quickly.

“Yeah, of course.” Remus nodded his thanks. “We should probably get back.”

Meanwhile, Sirius was standing by himself, waiting for his friends to return. He probably should have been socializing, but, if he were being honest with himself, he wasn’t really in the mood to interact with anyone. He saw someone walking towards him out of the corner of his eye and he assumed it was one of his friends. He went to walk over to the person when he stopped, hearing an all too familiar voice. “Sirius?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so here's the next chapter! I'm kind of excited to add Regulus to this story. I was going to put Sirius and him meeting up in this chapter as well, but I thought it would be a better starting point for the next chapter. Anyway, once again, I love Remus and Sirius' relationship with a passion and I love this whole story too. Please feel free to let me know what you think. I love reading all of your comments; hey make me feel so special! Love you all, enjoy the chapter


	11. Keeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains mentions of homophobia and child abuse  
> Also, please make sure to read the note at the end of the chapter!

“Sirius?”

Sirius looked up at the sound of his name being called, meeting eyes eerily similar to his own. He walked over to the boy, not quite sure how to greet him. _Should he hug him, shake his hand? How do you interact with someone who you haven’t seen in two years?_ “Hey Reg,” he muttered, awkwardly holding out his hand for the other boy to shake. Regulus gave him a confused look, but grabbed his hand. “Er…How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Regulus said, looking Sirius over. The boy nodded. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Sirius snapped, narrowing his eyes at his brother.

“It’s just—you look—uh…never mind,” Regulus stammered. Sirius gave him a weird look.

“Okay then. So why’d you…uh…why’d you wanna talk?” Regulus looked around nervously, as though waiting for someone to jump out and get him.

“Can we…um…maybe go sit somewhere and talk? I’m not all that keen on everyone eavesdropping on our conversation.” Sirius nodded, turning around and motioning for Regulus to follow him.

“Come on. We’ll talk in the kitchen.” Regulus was surprised that the kitchen was empty when they entered. Sirius immediately hopped on the counter, making himself at home. Regulus stood to the side nervously. “You know you can sit, right?” Sirius laughed, glancing at the boy across from him. “I promise the chairs don’t bite.” Regulus hesitantly took a seat, still a little unsure. 

“Can I…er…ask you something?” Regulus asked quietly, biting him lip and focusing on the floor. Sirius chuckled.

“I thought that was the whole point of us coming in here to talk.” He looked at Regulus, the playful smile immediately dropping as he saw his brother’s face. “Reg, what’s wrong? Is it mum and dad? Did they do something to you?” Regulus shook his head quickly, eyes glued to the floor. “Then what is it?” 

“How did you know you were gay!” Regulus suddenly blurted out, momentarily stunning Sirius. He had _not_ expected that to be what his brother wanted to talk about.

“What?”

“Did you…like…have sex with a woman and realize that you didn’t like it so you tried with a guy or—” Sirius grabbed the boy’s shoulders, shaking him lightly.

“Reg, calm down,” he spoke quietly. “I guess there was always a part of me that knew, even before I had ever shagged someone.” Regulus looked confused. “I remember being attracted to guys and thinking that it was so terribly wrong because you know what mum and dad are like—” 

“Homophobic bastards,” Regulus cut in.

“Yeah, exactly. I’ll never forget what mum told me when I was fifteen and I told her I liked this one bloke at school and was planning on taking him on a date.” 

“What’d she say?” the boy asked, leaning forward in his chair and waiting with bated breath.

“She said, and I quote, ‘ _Sirius Black! How dare you, a man, be attracted to another man! I can’t believe you would embarrass our family like that!’_.”

“And then what happened?” Regulus couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had always known that his parents were ridiculously homophobic, but he had never heard about any of this.

“She hit me a few times and then sent me upstairs without dinner for the night,” Sirius shrugged. “So after that, I tried to force myself to be attracted to girls—you know, because at that point there was still a small part of me that wanted their approval no matter how fucked up it was—but those feelings I had for the boy never went away no matter how hard I tried. And when I finally did shag a girl for the first time, it kind of pushed me over the edge of knowing for sure.”

“But…but what if you’re not attracted to guys or girls?” Regulus asked, face turning red. Sirius moved to the chair next to his brother, putting his arm around the younger boy’s shoulders. “Then what happens?”

“Reg,” Sirius calmly stated. “Have you ever heard of the term asexual?” 

“I’ve heard of it. I don’t really know what it means though.”

“Being asexual basically means that you aren’t sexually attracted to people. You can be attracted to people in other ways, such as romantically, but you just don’t experience sexual attraction.” Regulus gave him a confused look. “I mean…it’s obviously a lot more than that, but that’s like the super basic skimming over the surface definition.” Regulus nodded. “And do not, for one second, think that this makes you weird or that you need to be ashamed of who you are.” Right as Sirius said this, James and Remus decided to crash the brother’s conversation, barging into the kitchen.

“Padfoot, darling!” James yelled, pulling Sirius into another hug as though he didn’t see the boy less than twenty minutes ago.

“Hey Jamie,” he said, laughing and pulling himself out of the boy’s grip. “You guys remember Regulus?” he asked, pointing to the younger boy. They both nodded.

“Nice to see you again,” Remus said politely, giving the boy a kind smile. “Do you guys wanna go and hang out with the rest of the party?” Surprisingly, Regulus was the one who answered.

“Actually, could you guys give us one more minute maybe?” James turned to him, walking up to the boy.

“I don’t know, mate. I may die from missing Sirius,” he laughed. Remus stepped in, grabbing James’ sleeve and pulling him toward the door.

“He’s just kidding. We’ll be right out here.” Both boys nodded. Regulus grabbed Sirius’ arm before he could move away. “Are you sure you’re all right Sirius?”

“I’m fine Reg. Why do you keep asking?”

“It’s just…you don’t look okay. You look sick, Sirius.” 

“I’m fine,” Sirius sighed.

“I’m just worried. I haven’t seen you look like this since you were in high school and you stopped—”

“This isn’t like that, Reg” he snapped, face red. Regulus sighed.

“Okay then. Just know that starving yourself won’t do you any good.”

“I’m not—”

“You guys coming?” James shouted from outside the door. Sirius gave his brother one last look before leaving the kitchen.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was a little after midnight and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Sirius seemed to have forgotten about the unpleasant ending to his and Regulus’ conversation and was enjoying the party. The other boy seemed to be having a good time as well. Sirius wished the night would have gone by more slowly, but sadly it didn’t. “Hey, Sirius,” Regulus said, tugging on the boy’s sleeve. 

“Hm?”

“It’s getting late. I’m gonna head on home.” Sirius gave him a look nodding slowly. “It was nice…um…nice catching up.” Sirius nodded again.

“Yeah, it was. And uh…if you ever want to meet up again, just let me know.” Regulus smiled, nodding at his brother and pulling him in for a hug.

“I’ll see you,” he said, turning a walking out the door.

The party cleared out soon after that and people began making their way home. Sirius decided that he was going to spend the night with Remus, much to the latter’s joy. “I need to tell James though,” he said, pulling out his phone and texting him. As soon as he sent the text he grabbed Remus’ hand, intertwining their fingers as they walked home.

Once they arrived at Remus’ place, they immediately mad their way to the bedroom and Sirius collapsed into the bed, pulling his sweatshirt off. He caught a quick glance at his reflection in the mirror before be abruptly put it back on, not wanting to see himself. He was too cold anyway. “So, did you have a nice talk with your brother?” Remus asked, climbing into bed and pulling Sirius close to him. Sirius nodded, latching himself to the taller boy.

“Yeah. It was nice,” he yawned. 

“Good. I’m glad.” He gave Sirius a quick kiss before both boys fell into a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here's the next chapter! I literally feel like Sirius did a few chapters back, but the good thing is that it gives me a lot more time to write! Anyway, I hope you all really like this chapter and thank you to those of you who have been commenting, it really means a lot to me.  
> In other news, I was thinking about writing a prequel to this story, kind of like the events that lead up to what happens here. It would focus on everyone when they were back in high school and you would get the whole story of what Sirius and Regulus were talking about in this chapter. Would that be something you guys would be interested in? Also, if anyone would be interested, I am also thinking of doing a sequel once this is over. Feel free to let me know what you think about the chapter and these suggestions.


	12. Lasting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter starts out kind of lighthearted but ends kind of angsty. Does anyone else have trouble writing happy things when they themselves are sad or is it just me?

“So, Moony, you’ll never guess what happened,” Sirius said, barging into Remus’ bedroom a week after the party. Remus jumped at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice and spun to face him, a slightly annoyed look on his face.

“Jesus Pads. You can’t just barge into peoples’ rooms. I could’ve been naked!” Sirius laughed.

“You act as though that would’ve deterred me,” he said, a smug look on his face. Remus glared and threw a pillow at him.

“All right then. What’s your big news?” At this, Sirius face lit up and he ran over to Remus, shaking him excitedly.

“Oh, Moony, I’m so glad you asked.” Remus rolled his eyes. “Can you give me a drum roll?”

“No.” Sirius huffed and Remus gave him an amused look. “Just tell me your news Sirius.” 

“I got a job.” Seeing the ecstatic look on Sirius’ face. Remus couldn’t help himself. His face broke into a huge grin and he grabbed Sirius, pulling him close and kissing him.

“That’s amazing Pads,” Remus whispered in between kisses. “I’m so proud of you.” Sirius moaned into the kiss before reluctantly pulling away from Remus. 

“Thanks Rem,” Sirius said sheepishly. “When I told James that I got a job he couldn’t stop laughing.” Remus frowned.

“Wasn’t he happy for you?”

“He was…He said he just couldn’t get over what I was doing.” 

“Why, what are you doing?” Remus asked, a nervous look beginning to take over his features. The boy didn’t answer right away and Remus got even more nervous. “Oh god, please tell me you didn’t…like…sell your soul to the devil?” Sirius shook his head.

“Actually, I got a job at a cupcake bakery.” Perhaps it was the fact that Sirius had said this with a completely straight face. Or maybe it was the fact that Sirius had always been awful in the kitchen. Whatever the reason, though, Remus couldn’t help himself; he burst out laughing, quickly throwing his hand over his mouth when he saw the other boy’s face fall.

“I don’t get what’s so funny about it,” Sirius mumbled, eyes glued to the floor. Remus forced himself to stop laughing. “I thought it would be fun.” Remus grabbed both of Sirius’ hands, forcing the boy to look up and meet his eyes. 

“I’m sure it will be fun. It’s just…well…you don’t know how to bake, Sirius.”

“That’s why I bought a cookbook at the store. And besides, I figured you could help me.”

“Why me?”

“Well for starters, you love baking. Plus you’re good at it. And, since you want to be a teacher, I figured it would be a perfect opportunity for you to practice,” he said, as though it were obvious. “And besides, since I don’t really like sweets, you would get to be the taste tester.”

“And what happens when a customer asks you what you like?” Remus asked, eyebrows raised.

“I’ll just tell them what my handsome and intelligent boyfriend enjoys,” Sirius responded, a cheeky grin on his face.

“Not that this doesn’t all sound like a good plan but…How did you even get the job if you can’t bake?” Sirius let out a dramatic sigh.

“If you must know, I’m actually quite good at decorating all the cupcakes,” Sirius said proudly. “You know, like they do on all those shows where they need to make pretty desserts.”

“Well I’m glad you found something that you’re excited about.”

“Yup,” Sirius said, getting up and taking Remus’ hand. He began to tug on his arm, trying to get him to follow him. “Come on Moony,” he whined, still tugging on the boy. “We need to start practicing.”

“Now?”

“Yes Remus, _now._ As in, at the current moment.” 

“But I don’t having any baking stuff—”

“Already got it covered.” They walked into the kitchen and Remus was surprised to see a lot of the supplies already out. 

“So…uh…we should probably start with something simple, yeah?” Remus asked, starting to flip through the book. Sirius nodded. He looked at the book for a few more minutes before stopping and pointing at one of the pages. “How about cookies?” Sirius looked at the page, laughing at its contents. 

“Of course you’d choose something with chocolate, Moony.”

“You know, just because you hate chocolate doesn’t mean the rest of us have to,” Remus said, feigning hurt. Sirius glared at him. 

“I never said I hated it,” Sirius snapped, suddenly getting angry. “It just…gives me a headache sometimes.”

“Well I happen to like it.”

“I know,” Sirius cut in. “I remember you proclaiming your love to it when we were eleven.”  Remus grabbed a handful of the chocolate chips, throwing them at Sirius.

“I told you never to speak of it,” he hissed. Sirius just laughed.

‘Let’s just make the cookies already.” Remus nodded and Sirius quickly threw his hair into a bun before going to wash his hands. “You read the directions and I’ll make the cookie batter—” 

“Dough,” Remus cut him off. Sirius looked at him, confused.

“What?”

“It’s cookie _dough_. Not cookie _batter_ ,” Remus said.

“Please just read the directions,” Sirius said through gritted teeth. Remus began reciting the steps, watching carefully the whole time. So far, Sirius was doing fairly well.

“I’m impressed, Pads,” he said, giving the boy a thumbs up. “You’re not as hopeless as I thought.” Sirius merely stuck his tongue out at him. Both boys went back to what they we’re doing; Remus rattling off instructions and Sirius trying to follow along.

“Rem?” Sirius called.

“Hm?” Remus didn’t look up.

“Do I just pour the dry stuff into the mixer?” 

“Yeah.”

“While it’s on?”

“Uh huh.” It wasn’t until Remus heard a loud yelp that he realized there was a problem. He looked up from the book to see Sirius covered in flour and he started laughing. “Geez Pads, what did you do?” 

“You told me to pour the dry stuff into the mixer while it was on,” he said, eyes wide. Remus sighed.

“I didn’t mean pour it all in at once. Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” he said, grabbing Sirius’ hand and trying to pull him out of the room. Sirius shook his head.

“No, we have to finish it.” And with that he went back to work, trying to remake the dry ingredients.

After about forty-five minutes, the cookies were finally done. Sirius handed one to Remus and the boy shook his head. “You’re having one too.”

“But I don’t want to,” Sirius whined.

“I don’t care if you don’t want to.” Sirius sighed loudly but grabbed one anyway. Remus took a bite of his and frowned. He was almost positive that Sirius had followed the instructions, yet the cookie was not at all appealing. He glanced over at Sirius and noticed the boy staring at the untouched cookie in his hand, nose wrinkled in distaste. “Just eat the cookie Sirius,” he hissed. “It’s not gonna kill you.” Sirius hesitantly took a small bite, immediately spitting it out in the trash can. 

“I thought when you follow the directions things were supposed to taste good?”

“Usually they do. It was a decent first try though. We’ll try it again a little later.” Sirius nodded before going upstairs to clean up. When he returned to the kitchen twenty minutes later in one of Remus’ shirts, he did a double take. “Either I’m some sort of giant or you’re just really tiny,” he said. Sirius’ face turned a deep scarlet and he tugged on the bottom of the shirt. Remus facepalmed. “Shit,” he started. “We literally talked about this earlier. I know comments like that make you uncomfortable and I—”

“It’s fine,” Sirius muttered, cutting the other boy off before he could continue rambling. “You’re right. I look…um,” he took a deep breath. “I’m fine.” Remus gave him a look. “Besides, it’s obvious that you’re a giant.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sirius and Remus had been practicing every day for the past week and a half. He had gotten a little better, and the number of disasters had declined, but it still wasn’t perfect. Decorations, however, were a completely different story. To say that Sirius was good at decorations was an understatement. The boy was amazing, and his talent more than made up for his slightly below average baking skills. 

Which was why, when Sirius invited Remus to stop by the bakery to check out his work, he couldn’t have been more excited. Plus, there was also something exciting about seeing Sirius with his hair in a bun and wearing an apron and just looking so _perfect._ And when Remus walked into the shop at 4:30 on a Thursday, he was glad to see his boyfriend looking so excited. The boy ran up to Remus, grabbing his hand and pulling him up to the display. “Aren’t they great, Moony?” He pointed to each of the different designs, briefly explaining what they were. He was literally bouncing with excitement. 

“And you did _all_ of these?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded enthusiastically.

“Yup. The other guy was out sick so I got to do all of them!” At this, Sirius was shaking with excitement, looking like a child on Christmas morning. “And you should have seen my boss’ face when I told her I would take care of everything. She looked so impressed, Moony!” 

“So I assume you like it then?” Remus asked, chuckling lightly.

“I do, actually.” Remus nodded. “Listen, my shift gets off in a few minutes. Do you wanna go back to mine and do something?”

“And what do you suggest we do when we get there?”

“Well, I was thinking we would just take a nap, but if you have something more exciting we could do that,” Sirius shrugged, standing up and taking his apron off. He walked back over to the table and quickly took Remus’ hand in his before leading him out the door.

“No, sleeping sounds good,” Remus said, unlocking his car and climbing in. They made their way to Sirius’ house, arriving within ten minutes. As soon as they entered the house, Sirius immediately made his way upstairs and into his room. Remus laughed as he followed him. “You weren’t kidding about wanting to sleep,” he said. Sirius sent him an apologetic look.

“Classes start on Monday, Moony. We need to sleep as much as we can before that.” Remus nodded in agreement before remembering that he had to tell the other boy something. He glanced over at Sirius and, noticing that the boy looked like he would fall asleep any second, shook him lightly.

“Before you fall asleep on me, Pads, I talked to Lily today and she asked if we wanted to go out to dinner with her and James next Saturday.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sirius and Remus were supposed to meet James and Lily at the restaurant and, similar to every time the two boys needed to be somewhere, Sirius wasn’t ready yet. Remus had no idea what the boy could possibly be doing in the bathroom that would take him so long, but he needed to be done. “Pads, we need to be at Angelo’s in less than thirty minutes!” he shouted, banging on the door. “What’s taking so long?” Instead of answering, Sirius merely unlocked the door. When he entered, Remus saw various articles of clothing littering the floor. He saw his boyfriend glaring at the mirror, eyes bloodshot and hair a mess. “What…what’s going on?”

“None of these outfits are good,” Sirius mumbled, not once looking away from his reflection. Remus sighed, walking over to Sirius and wrapping his arms around him.

“You know,” Remus said quietly, leaning in so he could whisper in the other boy’s ear. “I think what you’re wearing right now looks great.” Sirius looked unsure. “Here,” Remus said, picking a maroon jacket up off the floor. “Put this on, put your hair in a bun, and let’s go.”

“But—” 

“It’ll be fine,” Remus said calmly, grabbing Sirius by the shoulders and forcing the boy to look at him. Sirius quickly put the jacket on, fixed his hair, and they were off. 

Thankfully the restaurant wasn’t too far and when they arrived, Remus looked at his watch and noticed that they were only ten minutes late. He took Sirius’ hand in his, gently tugging the boy along with him. They entered the restaurant, quickly spotting James and Lily and making their way over. “Hey Jamie,” Sirius said as soon as they sat down, smiling widely. Before James had the chance to respond, Remus turned to Lily.

“Don’t you just love how as soon as the two of them are together you and I just become chopped live?” Lily laughed, shaking her head at him. 

“Remus, you should know by now that while we may be their significant others, James and Sirius will always be lovers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this. I was watching Cupcake Wars when I was writing the beginning part and like Sirius would be great at it. Anyway, I'm sorry if you guys are getting tired of the angst; I keep trying to write an entire chapter of fluff and happiness, but clearly my emotions are having none of that. Also, I think I'm going to start working on the prequel for this story.  
> As always, thank you for reading and feel free to leave comments. I know I say this every chapter but reading your comments really do make me so happy.


	13. Masquerade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and James finally learn what's been going on with Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning! This chapter contains a whole lot of stuff surrounding eating disorders and low self-esteem. If this kind of thing is trigger to you, please proceed through this chapter with caution.   
> Otherwise, for the parts of the chapter that involve texting:  
> Sirius is bold  
> James is bold AND underlined  
> Remus is underlined

James Potter liked to think of himself as an observant person. When they were younger, his friends would always joke and say that he was the most oblivious out of their group of friends, but he knew that wasn’t true. He knew he was good at observing people.

James knew that there was something going on with Sirius, something the boy was hiding. Ever since he had been sick, he had been acting different. He didn’t want to pry, as he knew that would only make the boy more distant, but he was worried. He thought back to the night they all went out to dinner and remembered what Remus had told him as soon as Sirius had gone to the restroom.

 

_“He’s been more closed off and critical than usual,” Remus said after James had asked him what was wrong with Sirius._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“He doesn’t talk to me, he’ll stand in front of the mirror with this disgusted look on his face, and he won’t even take his shirt off before we go to sleep. He took it off one night and then immediately put it back on, like he realized what he looked like and couldn’t stand to see it._

_And like the night of Lily’s party I had to practically drag him there after I barely managed to convince him that people wouldn’t comment on the way he looked. You should have seen how upset he was, James. And tonight he wouldn’t come out of the bathroom and when I went in there he just kept repeating that nothing looked good, as though he thought that we would all be repulsed by him.” James didn’t know what to say._

_“Y-you don’t think—”_

_“I don’t want it to be like last time, when we didn’t notice until it was almost too late,” Remus whispered, the worry clear in his voice._

_“It won’t be,” James whispered back as Sirius returned to the table, gripping the chair as though to steady himself. Remus and James each shot each other a concerned glance._

James was brought out of his reverie by the sound of his phone buzzing. He quickly picked it up and opened his messages, seeing a text from Sirius: **are you doing anything later?** James frowned, wondering what this was about. 

** Just homework. Why?  **

**I was just…um…wondering if we could talk later?** James immediately got worried, trying to figure out what his friend needed to talk to him about. He hoped it wasn’t something bad. But then again, if it wasn’t bad, Sirius would have just told him then and there. Right?

** Yeah, sure. What time?  **

**I get off work in a little less than an hour so probably a little after if that’s all right?**

** Yeah, that’s fine. See you soon. **

Not long after he finished texting Sirius, James got a message from Remus: Did Sirius text you asking if you and he could talk later? 

**Yeah…just a few minutes ago.** The fact that Remus knew that kind of freaked him out. **How did you know that he texted me?** Thankfully he didn’t have to wait long for a reply.

Because he texted me like 45 minutes ago asking if I could come over later so that the 3 of us could talk. 

**Shit, mate. What do you think he wants to talk about?** Almost immediately after James sent the text he heard a knock on the door. He got up to go answer it and was surprised to see Remus, who barged right in. “Well hello to you too,” he said, giving his friend an amused look. “Were you texting me while you were on your way here?”

“Of course not,” Remus scoffed. I was sitting in the driveway.”

“If you were sitting in the driveway then why—”

“This is no time for questions, James,” Remus shouted. “Sirius is gonna be here soon and we have no idea why he wants to talk to us!” James raised an eyebrow. “Like what if he’s dying or he killed someone or joined a cult or—”

“Moony, calm down,” James said calmly, holding the other boy by the shoulders. “You look like you’re about to piss your pants. And besides, if Sirius sees us freaking out he’s gonna freak out, regardless of what he wants to tell us.” At this, James heard the door open again and he glanced at the clock, surprised to see that it had been almost an hour.

“Hey,” Sirius said, slowly walking into the room. Both boys nodded, not trusting themselves to speak. Sirius found this odd, but decided to let it go. “Should we…um…should we go upstairs? We can talk in my room.”

“Sure,” James said, leading the way to Sirius’ bedroom. Remus went and walked next to Sirius, taking the boy’s hand and giving it a squeeze as it felt it shake. As soon as they made it upstairs, Sirius went and sat on his bed, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to his chest. Remus took a seat on the end of the bed, while James brought the desk chair over and sat down. Both James and Remus waited for Sirius to begin talking, but when it became clear that the boy wasn’t going to make the first move, Remus started.

“What is it Pads?” Remus said, placing a soothing hand on the boy’s knee. Sirius just stared at it. “You know whatever it is you can tell us.”

“Yeah,” James cut in. “You know you can talk to us about anything.” Sirius nodded.

“You remember how when we were fifteen I started having that…uh…problem?” James shook his head, still not quite sure where this was going. He had a feeling it wasn’t something good, though. Sirius sighed loudly and gestured to himself, as though that would make it perfectly clear. Remus seemed to get what was happening and scooted closer to his boyfriend. Sirius immediately took Remus’ hand, eyes starting to fill with tears. He didn’t want to have to tell them this. “You know…like when I would skip meals or throw up when I had to eat.” Sirius paused, sniffling a little. “Or how I couldn’t even look at myself because I just hated myself so much it made me wanna be sick.” By now Sirius was crying and James came and sat on his other side, pulling him into a hug.

“Sirius,” Remus started, shooting James a worried look.

“Things are bad again,” he sobbed, “and I don’t know what to do!”

“Hey, calm down alright? Take a few deep breaths. Why didn’t you tell us you were struggling?” Upon hearing James’ words, Sirius burst into tears once again.

“I didn’t want you guys to hate me. I thought I’d be able to keep it a secret and have it under control but I can’t and now I’m ruining everything!”

“We could never hate you Pads,” Remus said, kissing him gently on the forehead. The boy just shook his head.

“How can you not hate me? 

“Do you want me to call mum and dad?” Sirius shook his head.

“Don’t bother them,” he muttered, still sniffling. Remus sat with him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. The thought of Sirius being in that much pain that he took it out on himself killed Remus.

“James, I think you should call them,” Remus said calmly. James nodded, pulling out his phone and dialing his parent’s number. Meanwhile, Remus turned back to the boy curled against him. “I should’ve known what was happening. I saw that you were getting thinner than normal and I just assumed it was because you were sick for that week.” At this, James walked back over to the two boys, having just hung up the phone.

“So mum is going to come over for a little bit, alright?” Sirius nodded.

“Okay,” he whispered, the word barely audible.

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” Sirius uncurled himself, looking at Remus with a tear-stained face.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding his head quickly.

“Do you want to eat dinner?” James asked, returning to his seat. Sirius shook his head and both boys gave him a concerned look.

“Sirius, when was the last time you ate something?” Remus asked. Sirius looked down, not wanting to upset him with his answer. “Come on, you can tell us. We won’t be mad, okay?” Sirius glanced up at him, still looking unsure. “James and I just want to help.” 

“A day or two ago,” he choked out, wiping at his eyes as more tears threatened to fall. 

“Do you want to at least go downstairs? You can change into pajamas and then we can watch a movie or something.” Sirius nodded, slowly crawling off the bed and moving to grab some clothes. He quickly scurried off to the bathroom to change, returning only minutes later.

“Should we—” Sirius gestured to the door. 

“Let’s talk for a second, yeah?” Sirius sat back on the bed, moving closer to Remus. “You know I love you right?” Sirius nodded.

“Y-Yeah,” he stuttered. 

“And you know I don’t care what you look like?” Sirius looked confused.

“What?”

“I know in the past people have told you that your looks are the only good thing about you and just…I just don’t want you to feel like you need to harm yourself.”

Before Sirius had a chance to respond to Remus’ words, Mrs. Potter walked in followed by James. She immediately came over by Sirius and pulled him into a hug, quickly breaking away as soon as she heard him wince from the force. “Oh dear,” she started, pushing some of his hair off his face. “What happened?”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius muttered weakly, looking down. 

“It’s okay Sirius,” Mrs. Potter said, wrapping an arm around the boy’s shoulders. “Just tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help, yeah?”

“I have—I mean, I wasn’t—and then…” Sirius froze, not sure what to say. He knew the right thing was to tell Mrs. Potter, but he didn’t want her to get mad. “I’m scared.”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to be mad at me,” he said quietly. Mrs. Potter sighed.

“Sirius, I’m sure that whatever it is, it’s something we can handle, okay? You don’t need to be scared to tell me.”

“But—” Sirius gave Remus a look, silently pleading with him to help him out a little. Thankfully, Remus seemed to get the message and he turned to Mrs. Potter.

“He uh…he hasn’t been eating,” Remus told her, looking sadly at Sirius.

“I didn’t want any of you to be disappointed,” Sirius said before Mrs. Potter had the chance to speak.

“Sirius, honey, why would we be disappointed?” 

“Because I’ve been doing this to myself,” Sirius said softly. Remus grabbed his hand, pulling it towards him and getting the boy’s attention.

“You don’t need to beat yourself up about this Pads. You’ve obviously been putting yourself through hell and you don’t deserve to.” Sirius felt his eyes fill with tears for the fourth time today and he pulled Remus to him, burying his head in the other boy’s chest. Seeing the two boys, Mrs. Potter smiled and got off the bed, making her way to the door.

“I’ll bring you boys up some dinner, okay?”

“Thanks,” Remus responded, knowing that Sirius wasn’t going to say anything. He just sat there, a blank look on his face and his eyes empty.

 

~~~~

 

It was thirty minutes later and the two boys were sitting on Sirius’ bed, paper plates filled with sandwiches surrounding them. Sirius was sitting against the headboard with his knees pressed to his chest, looking at the plates with a nervous expression. Remus had eaten most of his dinner, but the other boy hadn’t even touched his food. “Sirius,” he sighed.

“I don’t want to,” Sirius whined.

“You haven’t eaten in two days. You need to eat something.” Remus pushed the plate closer to him. Sirius just stared at it.

“But—”

“Please, Sirius,” Remus pleaded. Sirius shifted his gaze to his boyfriend and, at seeing his desperate expression, sighed and pulled the plate to himself, taking a small bite of his dinner.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay wow. So, that chapter was super duper angsty. I know this story has probably not gone in much of the direction that people were expecting and/or hoping for, but please bear with me. I made this chapter really angsty as a way to sort of bring all of the struggles to a climax point, which means that from this point on, things should be getting a little more upbeat and fluffy. I'm not saying that all of the problems and angst will be completely gone, but it will definitely be less than this chapter and the few previous ones.   
> Anyway, I really hope everyone enjoys and, as always, thank you to anyone who comments!


	14. Naturally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow finally a chapter that isn't all angst!

They say that the first step to recovery is admitting that you are struggling. When Sirius had told James and him the week prior that he had been doing badly again, Remus didn’t know what to think. A part of him was surprised at the fact that Sirius had actually come to them. A part of him was angry that he hadn’t been paying more attention to what was going on in Sirius’ life (he kept telling Remus that it wasn’t his fault, but the boy was stubborn about it). There was a slightly larger part of him, though, that was so unbelievably proud of his boyfriend for taking that first step and asking for help; he knew how hard it was for Sirius to tell them about what was happening.

Ever since that night, Remus had tried to spend at least one meal a day with the other boy. At first he was hesitant, not wanting to be a burden, but after some convincing, he accepted Remus’ help, though not without some stubbornness. “Rem, really, I’m fine,” Sirius had said while they were having coffee a few days after ‘the confession’ as Remus took to calling it. “You don’t need to waste your time with this.”

“Helping you is not a waste of my time, Pads. You know that.” Sirius looked unsure.

“Yeah, but…”

“No buts. This is what boyfriends do. They help and support each other,” Remus assured him before getting up and putting his coffee mug in the dishwasher.

 

~~~~~~

 

“Hey you,” Sirius said, walking up to Remus and kissing him. It had been about a week since their conversation and two weeks since the night he, Sirius, and James had talked and things were starting to look a little better.  

“Hey yourself,” Remus said lightly, smiling up at the other boy. Even though they pretty much saw each other every day, they decided to meet up after their classes had ended for the day.

“I brought you coffee,” Sirius said, handing the cup to Remus. The boy nodded his thanks, taking the cup and setting it on the table. Sirius noticed that he had an odd look on his face. “What?” 

“Well, since I assumed that you haven’t eaten yet today, I took it upon myself to bring you some snack choices,” Remus said, opening his backpack and taking out two plastic bags. Sirius raised his eyebrows at him, but he didn’t notice. “So, you can either choose to eat the trail mix or the cereal.” Sirius looked like he was about to say something, but before the boy could, Remus started talking again. “And before you ask, yes I removed the chocolate from the trail mix, so you can't use that as an excuse.”

“I’m really not that hungry,” Sirius said automatically.

“Pads,” Remus sighed loudly, giving the boy a look. Sirius looked at him sheepishly.

“Sorry. Force of habit,” he mumbled, cheeks turning red. Remus sighed again, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder in an attempt to soothe him.

“I know, I know,” Remus said, taking Sirius’ hand in his. “And I want you to know how proud I am of you. I know you’ve really been trying hard to eat over the past two weeks.” Sirius’ face lit up at Remus’ statement. It was oddly inspiring to hear someone say that they were proud of him for trying to do something, even if it wasn’t perfect. Even if he wasn’t perfect. 

“Have I told you that I love you?” Sirius asked, a dopey grin on his face.

“You may have mentioned it once or twice,” Remus laughed, kissing him quickly and moving so that his lips were at Sirius’ ear. Sirius tried to pull him back into the kiss but he stopped him. “No, wait,” he whispered, breath tickling the other boy’s ear. “I want to ask you something.”

“Okay,” Sirius sighed and Remus pulled him even closer.

 _“Do you want the trail mix or the cereal?”_ he whispered, attempting to sound seductive and ending the question with a nip at the other boy’s ear. Sirius quickly pulled away, rolling his eyes at the boy.

“Just give me the fruit loops you dork,” Sirius laughed, sticking his tongue out at Remus. He threw the bag of cereal at Sirius, hitting him in the face. He quickly opened the bag, taking out some of the contents and throwing them at Remus. 

“ _Sirius_ ,” Remus hissed, ducking out of the way of the flying fruit loops. “You put that cereal back in the bag or so help me—” Remus abruptly stopped as he felt himself being hit by something different. He looked at Sirius, a half amused half annoyed expression on his face.

“What?” Sirius asked innocently, trying to contain his chuckles. “You told me not to throw the cereal. You never said anything about the trail mix.” Remus sighed before picking up the food and putting it in a nearby trash can. As he walked back to the table he grabbed Sirius’ arm, pulling the boy along with him. “Where are we going?” he asked, tripping over his feet trying to keep up with his boyfriend. Remus said nothing, merely stopped at a bench a little ways away and sat down. When Sirius didn’t sit down, he gave him a confused look.

“Aren’t you going to sit?” Sirius still looked unsure but he sat down anyway. He stared at Remus for a few seconds before he felt something land in his lap.

“Really, Rem? The fruit loops?” he asked, masking his irritation with a laugh. The other boy simply shrugged.

“It’s the only cereal I know for a fact that you’ll eat and you said the different colors make you happy and—” Sirius pulled him closer, kissing him gently. When they broke apart, Sirius put the other plastic bag with the trail mix in his lap. Remus looked at it, confused.

“And there’s something I know you like,” he said with a wink. Remus laughed, wrapping an arm around the other boy and pulling him close. “So where are we actually going?”

“I thought we’d just walk around for a while.” The couple wandered aimlessly down the street, their interlocked hands swinging between them. Walking with Sirius, getting to spend time with him, Remus felt like the luckiest guy on the planet. He glanced at the other boy, seeing him already looking Remus’ way. As soon as he caught sight of Remus looking at him, his face broke into a wide grin.

Sirius had never been more aware of being in love than he was at this moment. Never in his life had he had someone (besides James and Mr. and Mrs. Potter) cared so much about him. When Sirius told Remus about what he was going through, he was terrified that the boy would leave. Decide he was too much work and not worth the time. Remus, however, quickly assured him that he wasn’t going anywhere. Every time Sirius thought about Remus saying that he wasn’t a waste of time, he felt ecstatic. So, deciding that he needed a way to show Remus how much he cared about him, he came up with an idea. “Let’s go out,” he said abruptly, stopping the other boy in his tracks. 

“Isn’t that what we’re doing right now?” Remus asked, eyebrow raised and sarcasm clear in his voice. Sirius shook his head.

“No. I mean I want to take you on a date, Moony.” 

“Really?” Sirius nodded. “What would we do?” 

“Obviously it’ll be a surprise. Just make sure you’re free Saturday night.” Remus looked at the other boy suspiciously, but didn’t question it. Sirius just grinned, kissing him quickly on the cheek and pulling him towards the lake.

 Not long after, the two boys found themselves sitting at the end of the dock near the water, talking. Both boys felt like it had been a long time since they had a real conversation. When he and Sirius had begun dating, Remus was always worried that he would either do or say something to embarrass himself in front of the other boy. He had told Sirius this and he, surprisingly, got this thoughtful look on his face. “Moony, why would I ever be embarrassed by you?” he asked quietly. Remus simply shrugged.

“I’m clumsy and awkward and I ramble all the time and—” Sirius suddenly pulled Remus in, kissing him quickly. It felt like mere seconds before Sirius broke away, throwing an arm lazily around Remus’ shoulder and leaning on him.

“But Rem,” he murmured, “that’s what makes you _you_. It makes you real. And it makes me love you so much more.” He was touched. It always amazed Remus how Sirius could make him feel so good about himself, even if he himself wasn’t doing well.

Sirius was still leaning on him, looking content. Remus tapped Sirius on the side of his head, effectively getting the other boys attention, before leaning in slowly. As soon as Sirius realized what was happening, his face broke into a wide grin as Remus kissed him. The two boys were tangled together: Sirius with his arms wrapped around Remus’ neck and Remus’ hands gripping the other boy’s hair. He was trailing kisses down Sirius’ jaw and toward his neck when he heard a noise close to his ear followed by a large bee landing on his arm. Remus, having been allergic to bees since he was a child, immediately tried to get away from it. In his effort to rid himself of the pesky bug, he ended up falling off the dock. Sirius let out a loud yelp as Remus pulled him into the water with him, hands still gripping his hair.

In retrospect, Remus probably shouldn’t have been siting so close to the edge of the dock. If he hadn’t been sitting so close, he most likely wouldn’t be in this current situation. As it was, he had been sitting too close and, therefore, found himself in the water with an annoyed looking Sirius there next to him, pressing his hand to his head. “Well that was fun,” Remus laughed nervously, trying (and failing) to lighten the mood.

“What the fuck Remus,” Sirius hissed, moving towards the other boy and swatting at his arm. “You literally took a chunk of my hair out.”

“Sorry,” he muttered, staring into the water. “There was a bee.” Sirius sighed.

“And so your first thought was to throw both of us into the lake?” Remus just smiled sheepishly. Sirius groaned, knowing that he couldn’t stay even the least bit irritated at his boyfriend when he looked that shy and cute and just all around perfect. “Just, next time, try not to grip my hair so hard when you pull me in with you.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Okay, so explain to me again why you’re both wet?” James asked. He had been doing homework when he heard the two boys come in, both soaking wet.

“We were on the dock near the lake and a bee landed on me,” Remus started. “When I fell into the water my hands just so happened to be grabbing Sirius’ hair and he fell in too.”

“Why were you grabbing his hair?” he questioned. Upon seeing Remus’ cheeks redden and Sirius shifting his gaze to the ground, James’ eyes widened. “Were you two doing the dirty at the lake?” He had to cover his mouth to keep himself from laughing.

“No!” Sirius squeaked, quickly looking at James. “We were only kissing.” At that, James couldn’t help himself. He burst out laughing, causing Remus to start as well. “It’s not funny,” Sirius whined, glaring at both boys. When neither of them stopped laughing, Sirius huffed, walking towards the stairs. Upon seeing his boyfriend leaving, Remus stopped laughing.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to shower,” Sirius responded, gesturing to his wet clothes and hair. “And then I need to plan our date.” And with that, he quickly spun around and dashed up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was gonna put the date in this chapter as well but thought it would make it way too long. It's going to be super cute though. Honestly, it was a little odd writing a chapter that wasn't all angst, but it was also nice to have something a little more fun happen. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys!!


	15. Oasis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> our favorite couple is going on a date!!!!!

It was the day of his and Sirius’ date and Remus couldn’t have been more nervous. Now, it wasn’t the actual date that was making him nervous; it was the fact that Sirius had been extremely secretive and distant for the past week that worried him. He guessed it was a force of habit though. Remus cared so much about the other boy and after Sirius had confided in James and him about having relapsed into the eating disorder that had consumed almost all his teenage years, he wanted to make sure his boyfriend was all right.

Remus had spent pretty much the whole week trying to figure out what Sirius had planned for the two of them. The other boy was notoriously stubborn, though, and when he couldn’t deflect Remus’ questions any longer, he just simply started ignoring them. This drove Remus completely mad, but if Sirius wanted their date to be a surprise, he guessed he could accept it. He wouldn’t have to wait much longer to find out anyway, as the other boy was set to arrive any minute now. 

The clock had just struck two in the afternoon when Remus heard a knock on his door, signaling that Sirius had arrived. He rushed to the door, quickly throwing it open and stopping as soon as he laid eyes on his boyfriend. He was wearing jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt, the flannel Remus had gotten him for his birthday the previous year on over the shirt. All three items were clearly too big on him now and they easily showed how much weight he had lost, but Remus chose not to mention it. He knew his boyfriend was trying to get better and that was the important thing. 

“Should we go?” Remus finally asked, motioning to the door. Sirius nodded quickly and grabbed his hand, pulling him out the front door and down the street to the bus stop. They didn’t have to wait long before the bus arrived. “So, are you going to tell me where we’re going?” he asked, sitting in one of the seats.

“Of course not Moony. That would ruin the surprise,” Sirius responded, taking a seat next to his boyfriend as the bus started moving. Thankfully the bus ride wasn’t too long, and soon the two boys were in the city. They walked for a little while before they arrived at what appeared to be their first destination. They walked into the small restaurant and quickly made their way to the counter, where they ordered their food.

“So why did we have to come all the way into the city just for food?” Remus asked, giving Sirius a look as the two boys sat at a table with their meals. He felt it odd that Sirius decided to take him so far out of the way when there were plenty of places near them.

“We didn’t come here just for food, Moony. I have something special planned for after this.”

“Something special?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow. Sirius nodded quickly.

“Yeah. I’ve been wanting to take you to this place for a while, and now that we’re dating, I figured it would be the perfect time.” Listening to the amount of thought the other boy had put into this date, Remus blushed. Now Remus wasn’t a stranger to being in relationships, having been in a few since his mid-teens. But never had be been with someone as thoughtful and caring as Sirius. He seemed to be very excited about the rest of the date because, as soon as Remus had finished his sandwich, Sirius jumped up, grabbing his arm and tugging him toward the exit. The other boy wouldn’t budge though.

“Pads,” he started, giving the boy a slightly worried look. “Don’t you want to finish your food?” Sirius shook his head, not meeting Remus’ eyes. “You barely ate any of it though.” Sirius just shrugged.

“Can we just go?” he whined. “I want to take you to the rest of your surprise.” Remus knew that he probably should try harder to get Sirius to eat, but he decided to let it go for now. That is, until he thought of an idea.

“Why don’t you just take your soup with you?”

“And put it where? In my pockets?” Sirius retorted, raising his eyebrows at his boyfriend. Instead of answering, Remus went up to the counter before returning with a to-go coffee cup. He quickly poured the soup into the cup and handed it to Sirius. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Drink it,” Remus replied, giving the other boy an odd look. Sirius sighed.

“I’m not really hungry.” Remus gave him a slightly worried look.

“I know. I just want to make sure you’re all right. I don’t want things to be like when we were younger and no one noticed what was happening to you,” Remus whispered. Sirius took both of Remus’ hands in his, capturing the other boy’s attention.

“I’m fine Rem. I know I don’t look fine, but I promise I’m trying. I just need you to let it go this one time, okay?” 

“Okay, let’s go,” he sighed.  Sirius smiled widely and Remus couldn’t help but smile in return. He quickly took the hand that was offered to him and let Sirius drag him out the door. They walked quietly for a few blocks before finally stopping in front of a tall building that Remus didn’t recognize. When he looked over at his boyfriend, though, he noticed that he was already looking at him, excitement clear on his face. “What are we doing here?” he asked, confused as to why they were standing in front of a random building.

“Well, you know those chocolates James and I would always get you for Christmas?” 

“Of course I remember. This is me we’re talking about.” Sirius laughed, throwing an arm around Remus’ shoulders. 

“And remember how we would never tell you where we got them from?” Remus just nodded. “Well, I figured that since you’re such an amazing boyfriend, I thought I would finally bring you here.” Remus pulled the other boy close, hugging him tightly. After a few seconds, Sirius squirmed out of the hug and continued talking. “Plus you’ve put up with me and my…uh…issue for a while now and I wanted to do something you’d like and I know it’s probably a stupid idea but I just—uh, never mind.”

“I’m sure it’s not stupid, Sirius,” Remus said gently. 

“Well, uh…it’s just…it’s just that,” Sirius stuttered, looking at the ground. Remus could see his face getting redder by the second.

“Just what?” Remus asked, putting a thumb under the other boy’s chin and gently bringing his face up so they were looking at each other. Sirius sighed loudly.

“It’s just…you’re so amazing and you’ve been so great and patient with me about my, you know, issue this past month or so and I feel like I haven’t done much in this relationship and that’s not fair to you and I just wanted to do something special for you,” Sirius said. Remus just stared at him, completely speechless. “You know, as a thank you for staying by my side through all of this and to show you how much I love and appreciate you.” Sirius glanced apprehensively at Remus, who was still standing there, seemingly frozen and not saying anything. He had just about assumed that his boyfriend was stuck in that position when, suddenly, he was pulled into a hug.

“I love you too,” Remus whispered, holding the other boy to his chest. “You don’t need to make these big elaborate dates to show me you care. Just spending time with you is enough.” Upon hearing this, Sirius pulled away from his boyfriend, face breaking into a wide grin.

“Remus John Lupin, I am completely and utterly in loved with you.” And with that he kissed him, wrapping his arms around the taller boy’s neck. Remus took this opportunity to wrap his arms around Sirius’ waist, keeping their bodies pressed against each other. Remus almost forgot what they had been doing before the kiss; that is, until he saw the sign on the building. He quickly broke away from Sirius, trying to get the other boy’s attention.

“So, um…the chocolate?” Remus questioned, pointing towards the small store. Sirius stared at him for a moment before grabbing his hand and leading him there.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I thought you said chocolate gives you headaches?” Remus asked, handing Sirius his cup of hot chocolate once the boy returned from the restroom.

“It does sometimes. I don’t know…Sometimes I feel like it’s just, you know, in my head.” Remus rose his eyebrows, not quite getting what his boyfriend was saying.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when things first started getting bad and I stopped eating, I would tell myself that all of these foods made me sick and that was why I wasn’t eating. It was a way for me to justify my restriction and ignore that what I was doing was wrong. But ever since then, certain things will make me feel sick and I think that it may be because I’ve spent so long forcing myself to believe things that weren’t true.” Remus took his hand and lead him to one of the nearby benches. He didn’t know what to say.

“Sirius, I—”

“And I just…I don’t know…thought that I would try the chocolate today because you were here and it’s easier for me to do things that scare me when you’re around and, like, I knew it would make you happy,” Sirius rambled, squeezing Remus’ hand and taking a small sip of his drink. “I’m sorry. This was supposed to be a fun and romantic day and here I am making it all depressing.”

“No, don’t apologize. This day is perfect. And hearing you say all of these things makes me so unbelievably proud of you,” Remus said, wrapping an arm around Sirius’ shoulders and pulling him close. He gave Remus a confused look.

“It does?” he asked. Remus nodded, smiling at his boyfriend. 

“Yeah, it does.” Sirius was still confused though. 

“Why?” 

“Because,” Remus started. “You realizing this stuff and acknowledging it shows me that you’ve been putting a lot of effort into trying to take better care of yourself.” He placed a small kiss on the other boy’s cheek. “And you know what?” 

“What?” 

“You taking care of yourself is just as good, if not better, than any date you and I could go on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is super overdue. It took me a really long time to write this one, a lot longer than the chapters usually do. Things are not going well for me right now, and it's caused me to have really bad writer's block and just doing things in general has been hard.   
> I just want to apologize in advance if updates start coming a little slower than they used to be. And, as usual, please feel free to let me know what you think of the story!


	16. Perception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for the part containing the phone call:  
> Remus is underlined  
> Regulus is bold  
> Also, there is a segment of this chapter that contains some sensitive material (i.e. eating disordered thoughts and behaviors). I've put the trigger warning in bold AND underlined inside the chapter before the part begins and after it ends. Stay safe friends!

“James, I need your help,” Remus begged as he, James, and Peter sat in his kitchen. The three boys were all done with class for the day and it was the perfect time for them to talk, since Sirius wouldn’t be home for at least another hour. “Sirius’ birthday is in less than two weeks and I still don’t know what to get him!” James stared at his friend for a few moments before shaking his head, laughing.

“This is what you were freaking out about? His birthday gift?” Remus glared at the boy, not understanding how he could be so calm. Didn’t he see that this was a huge deal? “Here I was thinking that Sirius had landed himself in the hospital or something and you’re telling me that your SOS message was just about this?”

“Yes, _James_ , this is what I’m freaking out about. This is his first birthday that we’re a couple and I need to make sure it’s amazing.” Peter decided to take this moment to step in.

“I’m sure whatever you come up with will be great Moony,” he said gently, trying to calm his friend. When Remus turned his glare on him, though, he knew it hadn’t worked.

“You guys don’t get it,” Remus whined. “Everything needs to be perfect.”

“But _why_ does it need to be perfect?” Peter retorted.

“Because,” Remus started, pausing to think of the right thing to say. “What if I do something wrong and screw everything up? Then the relationship will be over and he’ll hate me!” James quickly put a hand on the other boy’s shoulder, getting his attention and stopping the rant that would surely ensue should he let Remus continue talking. 

“Do you remember the welcome home party we threw for you when you got back from your trip?” 

“Yeah, but what does that have to do with—”

“And remember how Sirius was acting all distant?” Remus gave James a look, still unsure of where this was going.

“Yeah, but I just still don’t understand what this has to do with any of this,” Remus sighed.

“Well, before the party started, Sirius and I had a conversation that was pretty similar to the one you, me, and Pete are having right now.”

“Really?” James nodded. “About what?”

“He was freaking out because he thought that the two of you kissing the night before you left ruined your friendship.” Remus looked like he wanted to cut in with something, but James plowed on. “He’d been in love with you for a while and he was terrified that him making that first move scared you off.”

“But…how could he think that?”

“You’re the first person he’s ever really loved and, since he’d never had good experiences with relationships, he assumed that he would screw everything up and that you’d end up hating him.” Realization dawned on Remus’ face as he noticed how similar the two conversations were. Because even though they weren’t exactly the same, they revolved around the same fear. “Sounds familiar, yeah?” Remus nodded. 

“Yeah. So what did you do to make things better?” At this, James chuckled lightly at the memory of he and his friend in his backyard having this same talk.

“I sat him down and told him thathe was ridiculously underestimating how much you care about him."

“And that helped?”

“A little. But, I mean, it’s Sirius, so of course he was still really worried. But anyway, the point of this is that Sirius is so crazy about you that something like his birthday gift isn’t gonna make or break your relationship. Hell, you could show up in his room naked and he’d probably be happy.” At this, Remus choked on his water and Peter dropped his sandwich, both boys shocked at what James had just said.

“What—I mean, we don’t—we haven’t…” Seeing Remus’ expression, James burst out laughing.

“Calm down Moony. I’m just joking. I know neither of you are ready for that.”

“Are you kidding me?” Peter finally shouted, annoyance clear in his voice. Both boys turned to look at him, confused by their friend’s sudden outburst. “You mean to tell me that I dropped my sandwich because of a joke?” James couldn’t help himself. He burst out laughing.

“Pete, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a statement that describes you better than this.”

“Why don’t you just make a new sandwich?” Remus asked, trying to contain his chuckles. Peter glared at both boys.

“Because that sandwich had the perfect meat to cheese ratio. How could I possibly be expected to replicate that?” 

“I guess we’ll never know,” James said, sighing dramatically. Remus put his head in his hands and groaned.

“But really though, what should I get him?”

“How about some art supplies? That way, it’s something he both wants and needs.”

“Oh yeah. And then he and I could, like, do a project together or something.” Remus glanced at James apprehensively, waiting to see if the boy thought it was a good idea. After a few moments, though, James smiled and nodded at his friend.

“I think he’ll love it.” Remus’ face immediately broke into a wide grin.

“Really? You think he’ll like it?” 

“It’s like Prongs said. Sirius is crazy about you, so really, he’d love anything you got him simply because it was from you,” Peter responded. James nodded his agreement. “But it is a great idea.” Upon hearing his friends’ reassurances, Remus sighed in relief, glad that he most likely had at least one thing taken care of for his boyfriend’s birthday.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**“Hello?”**

“Is this Regulus?”

**“Yeah. Who’s this?”**

“It’s Remus. Look, we’re having a little party for Sirius’ birthday next week and I thought it would be cool if you came.”

**“A party?”**

“Yeah, you know, just some of his close friends hanging out. We figured he’d enjoy it.”

**“And you want me to come?”**

“Well…yeah. I mean, unless you don’t want to, then I totally—”

**“No, I want to. It’s just…unexpected, I guess.”**

“Yeah, well, I think he’d be happy to see you. The party is on November 3rd, if you decide you want to come.”

**“Okay. And uh….Remus?”**

“Yeah?”

**“Is he okay? Like, when I saw him he looked…uh…not good. Is he all right?”**

“Things are a little…difficult right now, but he’s…uh…he’s hanging in there.” As Remus finished his sentence, he heard a knock on the door. _Shit,_ he thought, remembering that he told Sirius he could come over. “Look, Sirius is about to walk in so I have to go. I’ll text you the details later.”

**“Okay. I guess I’ll see you next week then. Thanks Remus.”**

“No problem. See you next week.” The line clicked dead and Remus sighed before racing to put the stuff for his boyfriend’s gift away. He quickly shoved everything in the closet before running back to the door, pausing momentarily to calm his breathing as best he could and opening the door. “Hey,” he said, face breaking into a smile as he kissed his boyfriend. Sirius returned the kiss, leaning against the other boy. He felt Remus’ pounding heart against his chest and pulled away, confused.

“Hey,” Sirius responded, giving the other boy an odd look as he walked into the small living room. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Remus squeaked. “How was class?”

“Fine,” Sirius answered, walking into the kitchen. Remus followed. “What did you do today?”

“Oh, you know, just class and homework.” Remus wandered around the kitchen, seeing Sirius light a cigarette and step onto the balcony. “I haven’t seen you smoke in a while,” Remus said quietly, joining his boyfriend outside. Sirius shrugged.

“I haven’t been doing it as much,” he said, taking one of Remus’ hands. He assumed that Sirius was going to continue talking, but the other boy just kept hold of Remus’ hand. They sat together enjoying the silence, Sirius leaning his head on Remus’ shoulder.

_***begin trigger warning*** _

“Do you want dinner?” Remus asked, breaking the silence after a few minutes. Sirius took a long drag from his cigarette before sighing heavily and glancing at Remus.

“I assume _no_ isn’t an acceptable answer?” Remus shook his head and Sirius sighed again. “Fine, I’ll have dinner.”

“Great. Chinese sound good?” Sirius merely nodded, not wanting to tell the other boy that he really just didn’t feel like eating now. Or ever, really (but he couldn’t tell anyone that). _None of them would understand_ , he told himself. They kept telling him that he’s too thin and that he needs to eat. As though it were that simple. Sometimes they'd get him to eat and he'd be okay. Other times he would eat and then spend the next twenty-four hours worrying about it because he felt so fat and disgusting and angry at his friends because they were obviously trying to sabotage him. Why else would they try to get him to eat? Couldn't they see that they were just making things worse?

It seemed like only a few minutes when Sirius heard the door open, signaling his boyfriend’s return. “Hey, I’m back,” he heard Remus shout from the doorway before appearing in the kitchen a few moments later. Noticing the look on the other boy’s face, Remus frowned. “You okay?”

“Yeah…I’m good,” Sirius stuttered, giving his most convincing smile. He couldn’t let Remus know what he was thinking about. He wouldn’t understand. Remus gave him an odd look.

“Okay…Should we eat then?” Sirius nodded quickly. He took the plate Remus offered him and stared at it, unsure. He couldn’t eat that. But he had to. He had told Remus he would eat. So he ate his dinner, trying not to think about it. He couldn’t _not_ think about it though. His dinner sat heavily in his stomach, threatening to drive him crazy unless he did something about it. After about thirty minutes he couldn’t take it anymore and he jumped up, grabbing his jacket.

“I just forgot…I, uh, have stuff to do for class tomorrow. I’m sorry.” And with that, he bolted out the door and down the stairs, existing the building in a haste. He practically ran home, bursting through the door and rushing up the stairs to his bathroom. He slammed the door shut behind him, not even bothering to check to make sure James wasn’t home. He didn’t have time. He needed to do this. He hastily stuck his finger down his throat, but nothing happened. This wasn’t that surprising, since it had been a while since he’d forced himself to do this. He looked in the mirror, taking in his pale face and bloodshot eyes. He almost didn’t recognize himself. “This isn’t wrong,” he hissed at his reflection before promptly shoving his fingers down his throat for the third time and throwing up what little food he had in his stomach.

Once he felt the hollow ache that meant there wasn’t anything left in his stomach, he leaned back against the wall, gasping for breath. He kept mumbling _this isn’t wrong_ to himself until he gathered enough strength to haul himself off the bathroom floor and over to the sink to rinse his mouth out. He had a hard time keeping himself upright and was surprised when he was able to make it to his bed without falling. As soon as he made it to his bed, though, he collapsed onto it and was asleep within minutes.

  ** _*end trigger warning*_**

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Thanks for coming to get me from work,” Sirius said, grabbing hold of Remus’ hand as the two boys made their way to Remus’ apartment. It was the night of Sirius’ party and Remus couldn’t be more excited. He couldn’t wait to see the look on his boyfriend’s face when he saw all their friends. The two boys had barely made it through the door when everyone jumped out from behind various pieces of furniture, screaming “Surprise!” at the top of their lungs. Sirius looked between his friends, a shocked expression on his face.

“What…what are you guys doing here?” he asked. James laughed, coming over and throwing an arm around the shorter boy’s shoulders.

“You didn’t really think we’d let Moony hog you the entire day, did you?” Before Sirius could answer, Marlene came and pulled him away from James, hugging his tightly before holding him at arms-length and looking him over.

“You were right Remus. Sirius does look good in an apron,” Marlene said, giggling when she saw Remus’ cheeks grow red. Sirius rose his eyebrows, looking over at his boyfriend.

“You think I look good in an apron, huh?” Sirius asked, smirking. Remus felt himself blush even more and he cursed himself for being so easily flustered.  

“Well, uh…yeah,” Remus stammered. There was a knock on the door but no one moved. Remus gulped as Sirius leaned in close to him, mouth dangerously close to his ear. Remus could feel Sirius’ breath against his skin. 

“I’ll bet you’d look even better,” he whispered before walking away and answering the door. Upon opening the door, though, he stopped in his tracks, surprised to see his brother standing there. “Hey,” he muttered, moving aside so the other boy could walk in.

“Hey,” Regulus responded, taking a card out of his pocket and giving it to Sirius. “Happy birthday. This is, uh…this is for you.” Immediately after Regulus had finished that sentence, Sirius walked up to him, enveloping him in a hug.

“What are you—how did you?” Sirius questioned, arms wrapped around his brother. 

“Remus invited me,” Regulus responded, gesturing to said boy. Sirius looked at Remus, mouthing _thank you_ to his boyfriend and turning back to his brother.

“I’m really happy you’re here Reg.” James suddenly came running into the room, an excited look on his face.

“Come on, Pads, you need to open your gifts!” Sirius laughed before gesturing for Regulus to follow him and grabbing Remus’ hand as he walked past. All three boys entered the sitting room and Sirius was abruptly pushed onto one of the arm chairs, Remus falling on top of him. His face turned crimson for what felt like the hundredth time and he quickly stood up, sitting next to his boyfriend instead of on top of him.

After opening the gifts from his friends, which included clothes, gift cards, and a very detailed scrapbook, there was only one gift left. Quickly opening the bag, Sirius found various art supplies. He pulled the pencils, paints, and sketch pad out of the bag and grabbed the card that was taped to the inside. He opened the card and scanned the contents before turning to Remus and kissing him on the cheek. “I thought it would be nice for us to do an art class together,” Remus said quietly. Sirius nodded his head eagerly.

“Thank you. I love it.”

It was a little after midnight and Remus was lying in bed, the last of their friends having left about 20 minutes earlier. He was waiting for Sirius to return from the bathroom, so he took this time to think about this past night. He thought everything had gone well. Sirius had seemed really happy and he was almost positive that everyone had had a good time. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice Sirius come into the room, only realizing it when he felt someone lay on top of him. He smiled when he saw the grin taking over the other boy’s face. “Well hello there,” he whispered, eyes locked on Sirius.

“Hi,” he whispered back, quickly leaning in and kissing his boyfriend. Remus eagerly returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Sirius’ neck and trailing kisses along his jaw. Remus was just about to nip at the other boy’s ear when he abruptly pulled away, panting slightly. Remus whined quietly, trying to pull Sirius back to him, but the boy wouldn’t budge. “Hey…wait,” he muttered. “Before I forget, I wanna…I want to thank you for tonight. I…I really liked it.”

Remus smiled at Sirius before pulling him back in, whispering in his ear. “Good, I hoped you would.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so I'm super surprised I got this chapter up so fast. I haven't left my bed in like a week though so I've had a lot of time to write this. Does anyone else ever get huge bursts of motivation in between bouts of depression?   
> Now onto something important: There will still be some angsty scenes in the rest of the book. Recently I've gone back and forth with wanting this to be a happy story. This happiness is still going to happen, but I want to make what Sirius is struggling with as accurate and realistic as possible. It didn't feel right to make him have this huge realization and then have everything be perfect from then on because, a lot of the time, that isn't how recovery happens. It's something that the person may continue to struggle with for a long time and, as someone who has struggled with an ED in the past, I wanted to make sure I wasn't painting a false picture.   
> Anyway, thank you to everyone who has been reading this story and reading the super long notes I put at the end of each chapter. It means a lot to me and just know that I appreciate each and every one of you.


	17. Quietly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A doctors appointment, a date, and Sirius has a revelation

“Did you pick the date for this art class because you knew I had to go to the doctor this morning?” Sirius asked a few weeks after his party when Remus reminded him that that their class was tonight. Remus just stared at his boyfriend.

“No, I didn’t.” The two boys were currently in Sirius’ room; Remus was sitting on the bed as he watched his boyfriend pace around the room. “I don’t know what you’re so worried about Pads, it’s just a physical. And I thought after you went last year you told me you liked your doctor?” Sirius suddenly stopped pacing, fixing Remus with a look he couldn’t quite decipher.

“That was last year, Rem,” Sirius started. When Remus gave him a confused look, he continued. “A lot has changed since then.” Sirius didn’t need to say any more after that, Remus knew what he meant. He wouldn’t directly admit it, but Remus knew Sirius was scared of what would happen with his doctor. 

“Just think, Pads. Going to see your doctor is a huge step in the right direction and, despite what your mind keeps trying to tell you, he wants to help.” Sirius looked unsure. “So let’s get going because your appointment starts soon and I’m not going to let you miss it.”

Thankfully they made it with five minutes to spare, having had to rush up the stairs to get to the office. The room started spinning and they had to pause for a few moments once they reached the receptionist so that Sirius could steady himself. He closed his eyes tight and gripped the counter. The woman at the desk gave Sirius an odd look before asking if he was okay. Sirius nodded slowly before giving his name and going to sit in one of the chairs.

“Mr. Black, Doctor Riley will see you now,” one of the nurses called, smiling kindly at the two boys. Remus gave Sirius’ hand a reassuring squeeze before giving him a gentle push in the nurses direction. Sirius sighed before following the woman into one of the exam rooms. “So, Mr. Black—”

“Sirius,” he said, cutting the nurse off. “Call me Sirius.” She looked at him for a moment before nodding.

“All right, Sirius, so my name is Cate and I’m gonna be checking your vitals before the doctor comes in. Sound good?” Sirius nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He didn’t want his voice to give away how nervous he was. He sat still as the nurse took his temperature and blood pressure, but he visibly flinched when he heard her ask him to get on the scale. “Sirius? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” he whispered, slowly stepping on the scale and closing his eyes tightly. Thankfully he was only there for about ten seconds before she let him sit back down and told him the doctor would be in shortly. Sirius only ended up waiting for about ten minutes before the door opened and Doctor Riley walked in.

“Morning, Sirius. How’re you doing today?” he asked, voice loud and upbeat.

“I’m…I’m good,” Sirius responded, mentally hitting himself for stuttering. _What’re you doing?_ His mind shouted at him. _You can’t let him see that you’re nervous._ He was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of the doctor speaking again.

“Sirius, before we get to anything else, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about,” he said, eyeing Sirius with a concerned look. Sirius rose his eyebrows, but nodded anyway. “I was reading over your charts and it looks like you have lost a pretty significant amount of weight since last year.”

“I guess,” Sirius shrugged.

“Has anything happened that would’ve caused this?” Sirius shook his head, fidgeting in his chair. Doctor Riley gave him a disbelieving look. “Have you ever purposely skipped meals or made yourself sick?”

“I haven’t—I mean, it wasn’t—” Sirius stuttered.

“Have you ever taken drastic or unhealthy methods to avoid gaining weight?” Sirius looked at the ground, trying to hide the fact that his eyes were filled with tears.

“I just wanted to be good enough,” Sirius whispered, wiping at his eyes. “I thought I could control it.” The doctor gave him a sympathetic look.

“You know, Sirius, I also struggled with an eating disorder when I was your age.” 

“You did?” Sirius asked, completely shocked. Doctor Riley nodded.

“I did. But we’ll talk about that some other time. For right now, I want you to try and make sure you eat every day, okay?” Sirius nodded weakly. “I need to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, because if your weight gets any lower you’re going to need to be hospitalized.”

“Okay,” Sirius muttered.

“And I want to see you again in two months so that I can check in on how you’re doing. Sound good?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, getting out of his chair and walking to the door. He wiped his eyes one last time before entering the waiting room and meeting Remus.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So I was…uh…thinking that we’d maybe get food after our class is over?” Sirius asked Remus later that day, causing the other boy to freeze. Their class was starting in half an hour and they were getting ready to leave.

“You want to get dinner?” Remus asked in response, face lighting up in a wide smile. Sirius looked at the ground, face turning red.

“Uh, yeah,” he squeaked. Remus gave him an odd look and he sighed, deciding to tell his boyfriend the truth. “Well—I mean—I don’t really _want_ to get food, but Doctor Riley said that if…um…if I lose any more weight, I’m gonna need to be put in the hospital until I get better.”

“Oh,” Remus said, eyes wide. Sirius hadn’t told him any of what had happened at his appointment this morning, so he had no idea.

“Yeah…” Sirius mumbled. “Should we go? We don’t wanna be late.” Remus nodded, grabbing his keys and leading the way to his car. Despite being a little scared, Remus was excited to go to this art class with Sirius. Maybe the two of them would create something amazing and become famous overnight. Highly unlikely, but Remus still thought it was a cool possibility to think about.

The studio was only about a ten minute drive, so they ended up being a little early. Neither boy seemed to care though. They were both just happy to be spending the evening doing something fun together. As soon as the person in charge arrived they jumped right in, already having an idea for their project. Keeping in touch with their names, they were going to paint the moon surrounded by various constellations. They each began working on one half of the paper, planning on meeting in the middle. Remus had suggested that it would be cool for each of them to do a side separately and Sirius had agreed, handing his boyfriend some paint and brushes before starting on his side.

Before both of them knew it, almost two hours had past. The teacher (though Remus would have considered him to be more of a supervisor, since he just sort of watched what they did the whole time) informed everyone that they had five minutes left and the two boys looked at each other, admiring their work. Remus was speechless. It was the first thing they had ever made together and, personally, he thought it was beautiful. Upon seeing the wide grin on Sirius’ face, he knew the other boy felt the same way. He figured it would be a good date, but he had no idea it would be this great. They went back to Sirius’ place completely content with how the night had gone, both boys in awe of how perfect everything had gone.

“I think it looks great Moony,” Sirius said happily as the two boys sat in his bedroom. They had gotten home from their date about half an hour earlier and were waiting for their dinner to be ready. Sirius had offered to cook something for the both of them as soon as they had gotten home, but after Remus saw the other boy stare blankly into the refrigerator for fifteen minutes, he moved him out of the way and took one of James’ frozen pizzas and threw it in the oven.

“Yeah, it does,” Remus responded, getting up as he heard the timer go off in the kitchen. He quickly made his way to the kitchen and took the pizza out of the oven, almost dropping it on Sirius as he noticed his boyfriend standing right behind him. “Do you want to grab some plates?”

“Sure,” Sirius said, scurrying off to find them and returning moments later. He handed both plates to Remus, taking the full one that was offered back to him and going to sit at the table.

Sirius was shocked that the physical act of eating wasn’t as hard for him as it usually was. Perhaps it was because his doctor had told him that he was currently walking on very thin ice in regard to his health. Whatever the reason, though, he was able to finish most of what was on his plate. Once he was finished, however, the unhealthy thoughts came rushing in, trying to poison his mind. He tried to push them out but after a while decided that he was just too exhausted to deal with it and wanted to go to bed. He asked Remus if he wanted to stay and the boy nodded, crawling into bed. A few minutes later Sirius joined him, and Remus opened his arms, letting the smaller boy cuddle up against him. Both boys fell asleep almost immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 10 chapters left before the sequel! I'm so excited! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter


	18. Radiant

“Would you want to come to a wedding with me?” Sirius asked as he, Remus, James, and Dorcas hung out on a Saturday in December.

“Who’s getting married?” Remus asked, looking down at the floor where his boyfriend was laying.

“Do you remember the guy I work with? The one who does the decorations with me?” Remus looked confused for a moment and Sirius got off the floor, sitting next to him on the sofa.

“Frank?” Sirius nodded. 

“Yeah. He’s getting married next month and he invited everyone from the bakery to the wedding.”

“Hm…That sounds nice,” Remus said quietly. Sirius stared at him expectantly. 

“So…Do you want to be my date?” Remus thought for a moment before nodding. Sirius beamed, jumping on his boyfriend and kissing him on the cheek before he ran into the bathroom to get ready for work. Once they heard the door shut and the lock click, James and Dorcas turned to Remus, each wearing an overly excited grin.

“What,” Remus snapped, giving his two friends a weird look. In the years since he met James and Dorcas, Remus had learned a few things about his friends; the most noteworthy being that the look they were giving Remus never meant anything good, it was the look they got whenever they wanted to get people together _(“people” of course meaning Remus and Sirius)._

“You and Sirius are going to a wedding,” Dorcas said plainly.

“Yeah…so?” Remus responded. He was really starting to consider the possibility that there was something wrong with his friends.

“So…He’s taking you to a wedding and introducing you to all the people he works with. This is a huge deal!” Remus didn’t understand what Dorcas was getting so excited about. It was just a date. Unless it wasn’t. What if Sirius talked to Dorcas and she knew something that he didn’t? Remus nervously took a sip of his tea, almost missing what his friend said next. “And I swear the two of you will be married before you know it.” And with that Remus choked on his tea, spitting it out all over James.

“We’ll be _what_?” Remus sputtered, quickly sending James an apologetic look before turning to glare at Dorcas. She didn’t seem at all fazed by him, though.

“I said you’ll be—”

Remus shoved a pillow in Dorcas’ face as he heard the bathroom door open, abruptly cutting off her speech. When Sirius entered the room not ten seconds later, he frowned at the sight of his three friends. “James, why are you all wet?” he asked, confusion taking over his features. “And why does Dorcas have a pillow in his mouth?” Remus discreetly gave the other two a look, silently begging them not to tell Sirius what they were talking about. Things had just started getting a little better for the other boy and Remus didn’t want to ruin it by freaking him out.

“I was sweating,” James said quickly, dramatically fanning himself off to make it look more believable. It did not, though.

“And I was hungry!” Dorcas blurted out. Remus facepalmed and Sirius looked between his friends, a suspicious look on his face.

“You were sweating?” he asked, looking at James. “And you were hungry?” Dorcas nodded slowly, now aware of how ridiculous it sounded. “And you two expect me to believe that?” They stared blankly at him for a few moments before James checked his wrist and stood up. Motioning for Dorcas to do the same.

“Would you look at the time, we really need to get going,” he said, grabbing his coat and tugging Dorcas towards the door.

“You’re not even wearing a watch!” Sirius yelled before sighing as he heard the door shut. He walked back over to the sofa and sat down, leaning his head on Remus’ shoulder. “Why are our friends so weird?” he whispered. Remus laughed nervously. _If only he knew._

 

~~~~~~~~

 

“So are we gonna need to match at this wedding?” Remus asked as he and Sirius were looking for clothes at the mall. Both boys had the day off so they figured it was a good day to go shopping.

“What do you mean? Like, do we need to wear the same outfit?”

“No, I mean…like…do we need to match colors and stuff?” Sirius shook his head in response, going back to looking. He was gone for a few more minutes before appearing again at Remus’ side, poking him incessantly.

“I’m going to go try stuff on, okay?” Remus nodded before deciding that he wanted to come with and both boys headed to the fitting rooms. Once they were there Sirius turned to Remus. “Should we both try stuff on now or…”

“No, you can go first,” Remus responded. Sirius nodded quickly and disappeared into the room, coming out a few minutes later in a navy suit. He gave Remus a nervous look and walked over to the mirror, looking himself over carefully. “You look really good Pads,” Remus grinned, walking over to his boyfriend. For the first time in a while, Sirius looked more like himself. It seemed like the talk Sirius had with his doctor last month got through to him because he was already starting to look a tiny bit better.

“Are you sure?” Sirius asked, turning to face Remus. He self-consciously tugged on the jacket. Remus nodded. “The color isn’t too much?” Remus gave him a look.

“Do you like the way it looks?” Sirius turned back to the mirror and looked himself over again before nodding slowly.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Then that’s all that matters,” Remus told Sirius, kissing him. Sirius kissed him back, wrapping his arms around the taller boy and pressing him against the wall. Sirius had just left a trail of kisses along Remus’ jaw when the other boy pulled away. “Wait, Pads, I need to try on my stuff first.” Sirius looked disappointed but let Remus go change. He was in the room for a few minutes before he came out wearing a black suit. Sirius immediately noticed that it made Remus’ ass look great.

“You look perfect Moony.” Remus smiled at his boyfriend.

“So this is the one I should get?” he asked. Sirius nodded and went to change into his regular clothes, Remus following close behind. They quickly paid once they were done and made their way to Remus’ car. They had just pulled out of the parking lot when Sirius got a text from James. ‘ _Where are you?’_ it read. _‘We’re supposed to be helping mum in half an hour and you’re not here yet._ ’ 

“Shit,” he hissed, not looking up from his phone. Remus glanced at him worriedly.

“What’s wrong?”

“I forgot that James and I were supposed to help Mrs. Potter this afternoon and he just texted asking where I was,” Sirius sighed. Remus just shook his head, going back to driving. Thankfully it only took fifteen minutes for them to get home and as soon as Remus pulled up to the house Sirius tore off his seatbelt and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek, whispering “I love you,” in his ear. He was almost out of the car when Remus stopped him.

“Your clothes,” Remus said, gesturing to the bag in the back seat. Sirius grabbed the bag before walking over to Remus’ window.

“I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you Moony,” he laughed. Remus blushed a deep scarlet and took Sirius’ hand. “I’ll text you later, okay?” Remus nodded. 

“I love you too,” Remus said before he let Sirius go inside. He didn’t miss the huge smile that overtook the other boy’s face as he made his way inside and it made Remus’ heart swell with joy. He loved Sirius Black. 

“Hey, mate, can I borrow one of your sweatshirts?” Sirius asked as he entered the house. James looked up from the book he was reading to stare at his friend.

“Yeah, sure,” he responded. Sirius nodded his thanks and went to go upstairs, but James stopped him. “We should probably get going then. I told mum we’d be there at three.”

“Okay. I’ll be ready in a minute.” James went back to reading his book, only stopping when he heard Sirius call his name. He sighed loudly, wondering what the other boy could possibly need, and made his way upstairs, stopping dead when he saw Sirius. Or, rather, when he saw what Sirius was holding in his hand. “James?” he whispered, staring at the ring he had found while looking for a sweatshirt. “Is this what I think it is?” James nodded.

“Look, Pads, you cannot tell anyone about this, okay?” James asked, eyes wide and pleading. Sirius stared at him for a few minutes before, finally, grinning widely and hugging him tightly.

“My little Jamie is all grown up,” Sirius said, wiping imaginary tears from his eyes. James squirmed out of the hug and whacked the other boy on the back of the head, rolling his eyes.

“Let’s just go, idiot.” Sirius followed close behind James, looking like an excited puppy. He couldn’t believe that James was going to propose to Lily. The boy had been saying he was going to marry her since they were thirteen years old and it was finally going to happen.

“So how are you gonna do it?” Sirius asked as the two boys stood outside the Potter’s door. James gave him a look. 

“I’m not sure. I’ve been trying to think of ideas but each one is more ridiculous than the last,” he sighed. Before Sirius had the chance to respond Mrs. Potter opened the door, smiling and letting the boys inside. “Hey mum,” James said, giving her a quick hug before moving so she could see Sirius. She immediately pulled him into a hug.

“Sirius, dear, I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Mrs. Potter said as she pulled away from Sirius. He ran a hand through his hand and stared at the ground.

“I, uh…I’ve had a lot of stuff to do lately,” he said, face turning red. “I’m sorry I haven’t come by with James.” Mrs. Potter waved a hand.

“No need to apologize. I know you boys are extremely busy.” Sirius looked at James and gave him a wink before grabbing one of the boxes on the floor and bringing it to the basement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 9 more chapters until the sequel!!!


	19. Serenity

“Lily, answer the door!” Remus yelled as he stood outside her house. “I need your help!”

“You do know what time it is, right?” she asked, wiping the sleep from her eyes. Remus nodded. “So why are you here so early then?”

“I need you to help me pick out a tie to wear for this wedding tonight,” Remus said. Lily rose her eyebrows.

“Why didn’t you just ask Sirius?” she asked. Remus sighed.

“He said we can’t see each other until later so he couldn’t help me,” he whined. “I swear, you’d think we were the ones getting married.” At this Lily gave him a sly grin and Remus glared, pulling three ties out of his pocket and walking inside the house. “Please just help me decide which tie to wear so I can go home and take a nap.” Lily looked at him for a few moments. 

“Well, what color is your suit?" 

“Black.” Lily nodded.

“And what color is Sirius’?”

“Navy.” Lily thought for a minute before grabbing the pink tie and holding it up.

“This one,” she said, handing it back to Remus. He quickly took it and made his way to the door, pulling it open.

“Thanks Lily,” he said, giving her a hug. “I’m gonna go and sleep now.” Lily laughed and waved, closing the door behind her.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So, How is James gonna propose to Lily?” Remus asked casually as he and Sirius stood at the bar. Sirius almost spit out his drink as he turned to stare at Remus with wide eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sirius rambled. “What proposal?” Remus rose his eyebrows at the other boy. “Who are James and Lily?” At this Remus couldn’t help himself and he burst out laughing.

“Calm down Pads. James told me about it,” Remus laughed, taking his drink and walking to their table. Sirius followed close behind and the two boys took their seats at the table. “And really, ‘who are James and Lily’? That’s the best you could do?” Sirius glared at him.

“I panicked!” Sirius responded, trying and failing to make his answer sound less pathetic. Not all of us are experts at coming up with what to say, Moony.” As Remus and Sirius were talking a couple sat down next to them. Neither the boys nor the couple seemed to notice each other’s presence, or if they did they didn’t acknowledge it. It wasn’t until dinner was served that the conversation started up.

“I’ll trade you my pasta for your potatoes,” Sirius whispered in Remus’ ear during dinner. Their plates hadn’t even been in front of them for five minutes. Remus glanced at his boyfriend, a half annoyed half amused expression on his face.

“Ridiculous,” he muttered, rolling his eyes dramatically. He took the other boy’s food, though, trading it for his own. “why did you order the pasta if you didn’t want it?” Sirius shrugged.

“I didn’t look at the food options, I just chose the first one on the list and mailed it in,” he tried to reason. Remus gave him a disbelieving look. “Don’t give me that look Moony! I was in a hurry and didn’t have time to read all the options.” The two boys’ conversation was interrupted as Molly turned to Remus. 

“So, Remus, Sirius tells me you’re studying to be a teacher?” Molly asked politely. Remus nodded.

“Yeah. I want to teach high school English,” he responded.

“Oh that’s wonderful! You know, my husband and I actually met in our high school English class. Right Arthur?” Upon hearing his name, Arthur turned, eyebrows raised in question.

“Right about what?” he asked.

“That you and I met in our junior year English class,” Molly repeated. Arthur nodded and turned his attention to Remus and Sirius.

“That’s right, we did. And I don’t think we’ve met; Arthur Weasley, Molly’s husband,” he said, offering Remus his hand. Remus shook it slowly.

“Nice to meet you,” he responded, taking his hand back. “I’m Remus; Sirius’…ah, friend—person—”

“Boyfriend,” Sirius filled in, trying to contain his chuckles. Remus nodded quickly, face turning red. Arthur gave both boys a smile and turned to Sirius.

“Good to see you again Sirius.”

“You too, Sir.” Arthur laughed, shaking his head.

“There’s no need to call me Sir, Sirius. We’re all adults here.” Sirius nodded meekly. “Besides, being called ‘Sir’ makes me feel so old.” Molly lightly slapped his arm.

“Oh Arthur, calm down. No one thinks you’re old,” she said, rolling her eyes as her husband. A few of the waiters came to the table to clear the plates. Sirius was just handing his mostly full plate to the server when Remus grabbed his arm and gave him a look.

“Sirius,” he warned. The other boy looked at him with wide eyes. “You need to eat.” 

“But I’m not—”

“Nope,” Remus cut him off, shaking his head. “I don’t care. You have to eat, Pads.” Sirius stared at his boyfriend for a few moments before sighing loudly and taking his plate. Remus gave him an encouraging smile and squeezed his hand. “So, do you think we should go and say hello to Frank and Alice later? Since it is their wedding.”

“We’ll go once the music starts,” Sirius responded. The next time the servers came around Sirius handed them his plate, immediately taking Remus’ hand and tugging him toward the dance floor. “Come on Moony,” he whined. Remus laughed at that. “I want you to meet Frank before we dance.” The two boys quickly found Frank and went up to him. “Hey mate,” Sirius said, shaking his hand and giving Alice a hug. “Congratulations. You both look great.”

“Thank you so much for coming Sirius. It really means a lot,” Alice said. Frank nodded his agreement.

“And this is Remus,” Sirius said, wrapping an arm around the other boy. Alice immediately pulled him in for a hug.

“Pleasure to meet you Remus. Thank you for coming.” Remus chuckled nervously.

“Thank you for having me,” he responded. At this, the music changed to a slower song and Sirius grabbed his hand.

“May I have this dance?” he asked, bowing. Remus laughed, nodding his head and moving to the dance floor. They swayed to the music, enjoying each other’s company. Remus was happy with how tonight was going, and it seemed like Sirius was too. Every time they did something together it made him that much more sure of how much he loved the other boy. And without a second thought, he pulled Sirius in for a kiss. And in that moment Remus was absolutely certain: he was going to spend the rest of his life with Sirius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is hard. I tried. Enjoy the chapter


	20. Thoughtfully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius goes back to the doctor and James finally surprises Lily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm so sorry this update took so long but it's finally here! We're getting so close to the end of the story it's crazy.  
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoy and let me know what you think!

“Moony, what’re you doing here?” James asked, surprised to see his friend at the door.

“I’m helping you get ready for tonight,” Remus replied, walking into the kitchen and taking off his jacket. James followed closely behind. 

“Where’s Sirius?” James asked. He got out two cups for coffee, filling both of them and setting them on the table. “I thought he was coming with you.” Remus shook his head.

“He’s at the doctor. He said he’d be here once he’s done.” James nodded before standing up and leaving the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with a box in hand. Remus rose his eyebrows. “What’s in the box?”

“It’s everything Sirius and I have planned so far. I figured we would just pick up where he and I left off,” James said, taking various pieces of paper out of the box and handing them to Remus. “We’ve determined that it would probably be best if I stuck to something a bit more subtle.” Remus nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, considering your track record for going all out on things isn’t too good,” he joked.

“Well we can’t all be great at things, Moony.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sirius hated hospitals. The way they looked, the way they smelled, everything. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t really like doctors much either. He wasn’t entirely certain of this last one, though, since his doctor seemed like a decent person. He was broken out of his thoughts at the sound of someone knocking on the door and walking into the small room. “Nice to see you again Sirius.”

“”Hi,” Sirius muttered, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He really just wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible so he could get back home. He promised James he would help him with his plan, so this needed to go by without a hitch.

“So, how have things been going for you recently?”

“Uh, fine I guess,” Sirius mumbled, unsure of where this was going. All he wanted was for the doctor to say that he was doing fine so that he could leave and go back to his friends.

“That’s good.” Sirius nodded. “I’m looking at your chart and it seems like you’re making progress. Granted you’re still not where you should be, but you’re getting there.” Sirius’ face turned a deep scarlet.

“Oh, uh—”

“You shouldn’t feel discouraged,” Dr. Riley cut in, noticing Sirius’ expression. “Be proud of what you’re doing.” Sirius nodded.

“Be proud of myself?” he asked. The doctor nodded. “Why?”

“Because, Sirius, recovering from an eating disorder is really hard.” Sirius still didn’t look convinced. “It’s a slow process, and it may seem like you do all this work and yet nothing gets better.”

“I just feel like I’m trying but it’s all for nothing,” Sirius responded. The doctor nodded in understanding.

“I get that you feel this way, but sometimes it’s these moments when everything seems like a losing battle that it’s most important for you to try. Now this may sound a little odd, but have you ever thought about going to talk to someone about what’s going on? Someone to help you through this?”

“Do you think that would help?” Sirius asked.

“Well I can’t speak for you personally, but it really helped me in the past and I think you should consider looking into it.” Sirius nodded his agreement. “But for now just focus on the progress you’ve been making, and I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay,” he got up to follow the doctor out. “Oh, and Dr. Riley?”

“Hm?” 

“Thank you.”

“No problem, son.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“How about taking her ice skating or something?” Remus asked later that evening as he, James, and Sirius sat on the sofa. The three boys had been discussing James’ plan for the past few hours and it seemed like they were finally getting somewhere.

“I don’t know,” James started, giving his friends a weird look. “What if she doesn’t like it? You know she broke her arm skating when she was a kid? What if it brings back bad memories?”

“Mate, you’ve literally found something wrong with everything we’ve suggested,” Sirius sighed, running his hand through his hair in annoyance. “We’re running out of ideas.” Remus nodded in agreement.

“Sledding!” James suddenly shouted, getting the other boys attention.

“Sledding?” Remus asked, confused. James nodded quickly. “What about sledding?”

“I can take her sledding and then propose to her while we’re there. It’s brilliant!” before either boy had a chance to ask their friend if he was sure about the idea, James was already picking up his phone and texting Lily. 

“So, we’re all gonna show up to watch this happen, right?” Sirius whispered to Remus. “Because I know Marlene and Dorcas aren’t going to want to miss this.”

“Of course,” Remus whispered back, laughing.

 

**.**

 

“Not that I’m not having a good time, but why did we come sledding?” Lily asked as she and James stood at the top of a hill the next night. “I thought you didn’t like winter?”

“I like winter,” he scoffed, shaking his head at Lily. “I just thought it’d be fun to do something different.” Lily considered this for a few moments before nodding and nudging James to the edge of the hill.

“I guess you’re right,” she said. “And since you’re right, I’ll let you go first.”

It was only 15 seconds later at most when James made it to the ground. He looked up to see Lily still at the top, laughing and waving to him. He quickly motioned for her to come down. _This is it,_ he thought, feeling for the ring in his pocket. _This is the moment I’ve been waiting for._ He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t noticed Lily’s sled coming right towards him until he was being knocked off his feet. James could’ve sworn he heard someone laughing, but quickly dismissed it. “Sorry,” she muttered sheepishly, getting off the ground and wiping the snow off of herself. When James didn’t respond she turned to his in confusion, gasping when she saw him down on one knee. “James—”

“Lily, I’ve loved you since the day we met. I know you didn’t always feel the same way, but I always knew that we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together. You’re my best friend, and I couldn’t imagine my life without you. So, Lils, will you marry me?”

“Who would’ve thought that James Potter was such a romantic,” Lily laughed. James didn’t remove his hopeful gaze from her. “And yes, I’d be honored to marry you.” James immediately brought her into a kiss, breaking away a few moments later and sliding the ring onto her finger.

“Finally!” they heard from behind them, causing the couple to jump in surprise. The sound was coming from the bush near them and they were about to say something when they heard someone else say “Dorcas, shut up!” followed by some very loud shushes. James laughed quietly to himself before walking to the bush and looking behind it, spotting they’re friends.

“Hey guys,” Marlene said, face turning scarlet. “Fancy seeing you here.” Upon hearing this Remus facepalmed, prompting Sirius to hit him on the arm.

“What are you all doing here?” Lily asked. Instead of answering her question, Sirius walked over to James, arms crossed and a glare on his face.

“I thought I was your best friend,” he said, pretending to wipe a tear away.

“Pads, Lily may be my best friend, but you’re always gonna be my soulmate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay so my life is kind of on the verge of a total emotional collapse, so updates are going to be kind of slow for a bit while I pull things together.


	21. Uncharted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow I'm so sorry it's been such a long time but I hope you all enjoy :)

 “I still can’t believe my little boy is getting married!” Mrs. Potter said while sitting in the living room a few weeks later. James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus had come over and Mrs. Potter hadn’t stopped talking about it since the group arrived. “Now we’re just waiting for you and Remus to get married,” she continued, gesturing to the two boys. Sirius promptly began choking on his drink and Remus needed to cover his mouth to keep from laughing.

“Euphemia, quit pressuring them. They’ll do things when they’re ready,” Mr. Potter chuckled as he walked into the room. “Besides, dinner is ready and I’d rather we eat before everything gets cold.” The group quickly made their way into the kitchen.

Remus had eaten with the Potter’s dozens of times over the years, but never once had it been as awkward as things were right now. It seemed like everyone was just staring at him and Sirius the whole time and it was making him uncomfortable. And if it was making him uncomfortable, he couldn’t imagine what it was doing to the other boy. “Sirius, dear, you’re looking better,” Mrs. Potter started. “How have things been?” Hearing this, Sirius froze, looking down at his lap. For a moment Remus was worried he didn’t hear her.

“I’m—uh—I’m fine,” he mumbled, immediately looking down again as soon as he finished speaking. He didn’t touch his food after that and Remus had to practically force him to eat an appropriate amount before people started putting their plates away. Sirius was just about to get up when Remus grabbed his plate. 

“Go upstairs to your and James’ old room, okay? I’ll be right up.” Sirius just nodded and handed the other boy his plate before leaving to go upstairs. As soon as Remus entered the kitchen Mrs. Potter was at his side.

“Is Sirius all right? I feel so bad, I didn’t mean to upset him,” she said, a look of genuine concern on her face. Remus waved her off.

“Don’t worry about it Mrs. Potter. Meals are just still hard for him right now. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She gave him a small smile but Remus could tell she wasn’t entirely convinced that she didn’t do something wrong. “Honestly, you’re perfectly fine. If you’ll excuse me, though, I’m gonna go and find him.” At this, Remus left the kitchen and went upstairs to talk to his boyfriend. He made it to the room and was just about to open the door when he heard Sirius talking on the phone. 

_“Yeah, um, Dr. Riley? I’m sorry to bother you like this but you said I could call if I ever needed anything”_

Remus knew he shouldn’t eavesdrop on the other boy but he couldn’t not find out what was happening. Was Sirius in some kind of trouble if he was calling his doctor? He heard Sirius start talking again so he quickly silenced his thoughts.

 _“I was wondering if you could give me the name of the therapist you were telling me about at our last appointment?”_ A few seconds passed and Remus assumed Sirius was writing the name down or something. _“Great, thank you. I’ll see you next week for our appointment.”_

Remus couldn’t help but feel proud of his boyfriend for what he was doing. He was glad that Sirius was taking more steps in order to take care of himself. “I know you’re out there Moony,” he heard the other boy say. “You can come in now.” Face turning red, Remus entered the room.

“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have been listening in on your conversation—” Sirius held up a hand to Silence him.

“It’s fine Rem. Really, it’s not a big deal.” Remus nodded slowly, taking a seat next to his boyfriend on the bed. “So are you going to tell me why you said to come up here?” Sirius looked at him expectantly.

“Yeah, um, are you okay? What happened at dinner?” Even though Sirius knew this was most likely what Remus was going to ask, he was still caught off guard by it. He was trying to think of an answer when he heard Remus continue. “I mean, you’ve been doing so well with eating lately, what happened tonight? Actually, scratch that. What’s been happening the past couple weeks?” The other boy’s eyes narrowed suddenly.

“What do you mean?” he asked, voice getting lower.

“I _mean_ , I’m getting worried Pads. It looks like you’re losing weight again and I’m worried about you.” Remus grabbed the other boy’s hand. “I want you to know that you can talk to me about these things if you need to. I know you’ve been working really hard and I am so proud of you for that. But I’m scared that if things start getting hard for you that you’re not gonna want to tell anyone.” Sirius looked at his and Remus’ intertwined hands.

“I guess I’m just scared,” Sirius started. Remus looked up at him, shocked.

“Of what?”

“Getting better means changing. And I’m scared that people won’t like me if I change. My parents always said that the way I look was the only thing people liked about me and I just—” his voice cracked and Remus immediately pulled him into a hug. “What if I get fat and suddenly no one likes me anymore?”

“Pads, you are so much more than a body. I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to have an eating disorder, but just know that I love you no matter what.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So according to your charts, it looks like you’ve lost weight since the last time we saw each other,” Dr. Riley said as he sat across from Sirius in the exam room. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius mumbled, refusing to meet the other man’s eyes.

“You don’t need to apologize Sirius. I just need to know what’s going on.” Sirius shrugged. “The fact that you’ve started losing weight again is worrisome and I don’t want you to fall back into old habits.”

Sirius sighed. “I was doing fine for a while. And then I just started getting scared.”

“Sirius, it’s completely normal to be scared of getting better. Recovery is scary a lot of the time, especially in the beginning. And I know you’ve been trying. But since we’ve taken a step backwards, I want to see you again in three weeks, okay?”

“What, why?”

“I want to be able to check on you Sirius. I need to make sure that you’re making progress. And, actually, if it’s all right with you I’d like to bring Remus in here for this as well.” Sirius merely nodded. Dr. Riley nodded and left the room, appearing a few minutes later with Remus. “So, Remus, I was just telling Sirius that I’m a bit concerned about his recent weight loss and would like to see him sooner than I normally would so that I can keep an eye on him.”

Remus nodded. “Okay.”

“This means, Sirius, that I want you to work on gaining a little weight. All right?” Sirius nodded. “And Remus? Sirius tells me that you’ve been a really good support system for him through all of this, so I’m hoping that the two of you will continue to help each other.” 

“Absolutely,” Remus responded, standing up and taking Sirius’ hand. Sirius smiled slightly at the other boy as they left the room and made their way out of the building, hands swinging between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the conversation between Sirius and Remus is loosely based on a conversation that I had with my significant other so I'm sorry if it is a little intense. I'm sorry it's been so long but I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things. For those of you who have stuck with this story so far, you're amazing.  
> As usual, feel free to let me know what you think. Comments make my day so much better and I honestly love reading them


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